Test Results

I wish I could tell you I passed these days with stellar strength and poise.  That even in the middle of my fearful thoughts I stood up underneath and smashed them to the ground with unwavering faith.  I wish I could say all of that, but it wouldn’t be true.

I went down last week to a place too eerily familiar.  I went to the same exact place I was last Christmas time: depressed and praying each day for the strength to get out of bed.  Acceptance is a process.  I knew that this time and yet my emotions still battled the same.  I just wanted to quarantine myself, cry, and do nothing.   A constant battle between the angel on one shoulder and the demon on the other.

“You know, just because you lost Gideon doesn’t exempt you from losing this one too.  Remember the pain never stops in this life,” says the demon.

“Remember Maria, that the God who got you through those days, will get you through these days too.  Remember that so you can have hope,” says the angel.

“Why are you so down?  If you really trusted God you wouldn’t be down.  Why would He answer your prayers since you’re doubting,” says the demon.

“There is nothing you could ever say or do to make God hear you or love you less,” says the angel.

“God needs you to suffer to be glorified, so the suffering will continue for you,” says the demon.

“God loves you, and He wants good things for you.  He does not punish you or enjoy your pain, He weeps with you waiting for the day when your tears will be wiped away,” says the angel.

“Since you want it, you won’t get it.  God likes to be right instead of you,” says the demon.

“God sees a picture, a picture too beautiful for you to understand.  You know its true, because He gave you a glimpse of that picture through Gideon,” says the angel.

I could go on like this for hours, and I’m sure you want me to get to the test results, but sometimes I feel like I need to let out how weak and frail I really am.  People always tell me how strong I am, and I know that God’s strength is powerful enough for me to live in, but this journey comes with a whole ton of weakness too.  I felt so foolish, as I sat on my couch kids unfed, laundry piling up around me, life needing tending too and there I sat…paralyzed by the wondering if I’d lose another child.  Crippled by the reminder that I am not at home in this world and never will be.  Stunned by my joy being entirely stolen by doubt.

I guess…what I realized…the hope that did come even before the results did…is that bad days don’t necessarily have to turn into bad weeks.  And bad weeks don’t have to equal bad months.  That there is always joy possible a midst the storm, even if for a fleeting moment.  And so, I settled in.  Wouldn’t you know, as soon as I settled into my new temporary reality of waiting and wondering…the phone rang.

My heart literally beat through my chest as I picked up the phone.  The doctor didn’t leave me in suspense for very long, “Its good news,” he said, “everything on the test came back negative.  Your baby is not at risk for any of the items we tested for.  This is very promising news.”

This heart hadn’t heard good news like that in a really long time.

The blessing washed over me like a large tidal wave of joy.  I know it won’t last forever, but I sure as heck am going to savor it in for today.  For today, its good news.  For today, my baby is alive and well.  Today I will praise Jesus for that, and soak…it…in.

My husband and I almost immediately started planning how we would tell the kids.  We have been longing to tell them, but our hearts have not been free too.  We wanted to be able to offer them excitement and joy with the news, not feigned smiles attempting to mask over the real burden and worry.  For today, the burden and worry was gone…and so it was time.

The funny part is, I could have sworn the news would come with the following:

1.  A million questions about the health of the baby.  “Would this baby come home with us?”

2. Excitement and overly joyful reaction.

3.  A wondering as to why we waited so long to tell them.

Can I just tell you none…of…the…above.  I was literally laughing out loud at their reactions because they were so matter of fact and silly about the news.  Now I have seen these kids ponder, and long, and question and talk about babies and life.  I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they understood the news they were being told.  I can only describe it as a display of immense trust.  That they were just so joyful and happy in their now, that they did not feel the need to grill us about the details or attach any past emotion to present news.  For the Kingdom of God surely does belong to such as these.  I marvel at their faith, strength, and resilience.

They each opened up their little "early Christmas present" that was a cupcake announcing we were having a baby.

They each opened up their little “early Christmas present” that was a cupcake announcing we were having a baby.

Yes, we also learned the gender, but we are going to wait a little while and unfold that in the upcoming weeks.  We shared it with the kids already (its our little family secret) and we are going to let the kids have fun telling family and friends in creative ways that they come up with.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  I promise you I felt your prayers bolstering us, that just in the moments that got too heavy or burdened there came some form of relief.  I continue to pray that someday God would use me the way He has continued to use you.  Dave and I wish we could hug and thank everyone of you individually for your prayers and support.  Though the journey is not over, and we never know what tomorrow will bring…

but for today we rejoice!

 

 

 

I Hardly Know What to Say

If ever I felt more of a need to cuss, it would be now.  Cuss, cry, cuss, and then cuss some more.  I would say that I wasn’t ready for this, but I was.  Ask my husband and my friends, they have been hearing me say this regularly over the past two months “No, I’m not afraid, but I also don’t think everything will be okay.”  “Oh pish posh,” my husband would say, “You are just paranoid and emotional.”  Both true, but the fact still remains…I was right.

My Nana confirmed such a thing with her phone call to me Sunday night, “Maria honey, I just cannot get this off my mind and I need to tell you.  Gideon wants you to be a warrior like him.  For you to be strong Maria.”  Gideon I love you honey, but I was all done being strong.  Now I just want to be happy, joyous!  Even still, what choice do I have?

I stared at the same damn screen, with the same damn nurse, in the same damn room (apparently this post is PG-13).  I cried before the ultrasound even touched my belly.  “Well,” she said “it seems too early to see kidneys or a bladder. We will need to look for those more next time.”  Awesome…strike 1.

She continued on, “Here is the spine, the head, the tiny legs, right arm and left arm.  And, well honey I know your history so I am just going to be honest with you…I see something on here that doesn’t look very good.  The doctor will need to come talk with you.”  No. No. No. No. No. No. No.  Not possible.  No, this is not possible.  How can this possibly be possible???  Strike 2.

Doctor comes in and with the worst bedside manner possible, explains to us in so many statistical and researchical ways that they see fluid under the baby’s upper spine that is commonly indicative of some type of chromosomal deformity.  It could be a number of a number of things, the possibilities sounded like they were limitless.  All I wanted to know was one thing…”Will my baby live?  I just want to know if my baby will LIVE?”  “Well,” the doctor said, “Two of the chromosomal abnormalities have fatal diagnosis.  Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13 babies have very bleak outlooks.”  Strike 3.  Strike 3 to 1 billion.

Even as I write I am not sure I have fully processed all of this.  What I do know is that I am disappointed, I am sad, and I am not giving up hope.  With Gideon they gave us no window of hope, it was a clear and definitive “your child will not survive.”  Until that day comes, I will hold onto the hope that I will hold a baby that will live.  I will try, prayerfully try, to wait patiently for the day when we can finally (and hopefully joyfully) tell our children that a new baby brother or sister is on the way.  And I will remember that my God is a God of miracles, and that just because he didn’t do one with Gideon doesn’t mean He won’t do one for this baby.  I get it Gideon, Mommy will try and be a warrior like you.  I will try to fight.

Emphasis on try.  I am still working through the bitterness of once again seeing my dreams dashed away on a ultrasound screen.  Once again running down the same damn hallway, tears running down my cheeks, trying so hard not to make eye contact with any living being.

When the doctor stopped his speal (which was very long by the way) the first thing my husband said was, “So if I heard correctly, after counting all the numbers you threw out, there is a 50/50 chance that the baby is okay.  50% chance that there is something wrong, that something we wouldn’t know yet…but then a 50% that the baby is healthy with no defects?”  You can imagine which 50 he is counting on and which 50 I cannot get out of my head.  I guess that’s why they are called “your better half.”   My better half wants to treat today as if it never existed and worry when we actually have something to worry about.  Needless to say I think we will be a good balance for eachother in this.

I really feel God calling me to trust Him over anything else.  Over ultrasounds, over doctors, over statistics.  That there is a greater plan at work than we can see and that once more I am called to have faith.  In all honesty, yes, I am sick and tired and weary of being strong and walking in blind faith.  I want so badly to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can jump in gleeful joy at the thought of a fifth child being born into this family.  That is what I want, but I have come to appreciate how narrow sited my wants are and remember that God is good because He is good not because I got what I want.

This is the verse that keeps coming up for me since I’ve gotten home from the doctors, “How many are Your works, O Lord!  In wisdom You made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.”  Psalm 104:24.  He created it all, if the whole world is in His hands than my baby and babies and children are there too.  I have to fixate on His greatness, and His plan, and His wisdom.  I have to remember that He is good and that He wants good things for me.  I need to remember that He loves me.  He does love me.  He does love me, He does.  No Maria, He doesn’t want you to cry, He wants you to trust.

There is a gift in all of this too, once again my kids look like walking gifts from God.  I remember after getting Gideon’s diagnosis being in awe of them, watching them, and squeezing them tighter than I ever have before.  I am back in that place.  And while this past year has not been easy and this baby having thing has become the hardest thing we have ever done…somehow someway God has already provided us with the blessing of children.  And so far, they have been spared turmoil in this pregnancy so far, and that I am so thankful for too.  We will continue to wait to tell them until we know more, if we have the choice to spare them pain and loss again we will do it.  And if we will do that for our children, won’t our Heavenly Father do that for us too?

I so much appreciate your prayers, your encouragement and your stories.  Fellow Mommy’s and Baby Loss Mommy’s, can we be there for eachother?  Many of you ran through my brain as I sat in the doctors, remembering all your sweet baby ultrasound days that went similar to mine, if anything we can glean strength from not being alone.

Right now we are praying for good lab results.  A simple blood test will rule out or in Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13 and the stinking test will tell us the gender of the baby.  Is that not crazy to you?  It was crazy to me.  Like that little tube of blood will tell you all that??  Once again we wait and pray and it will take 10 days.  The 10 days thing again, last time it was 10 days too.  I know I probably sound like a broken record, but this Momma is about to lose her mind if this keeps going exactly matching way it went last year.  I pray for a different ending!  A different result.  Not hopeless after hopeless after hopeless…but instead “well, there is still hope!”  More hope please.  More hope.

 

 

Another Ultrasound Monday

It, quite literally, feels like ground hog day around here.  I find myself eerily living through life exactly the way I did last year.  Pregnant, over Thanksgiving, and waiting for a confirming ultrasound.  Honestly all of it has me spinning circles.

First off, I cannot stop thinking of Gideon.  Every utterance of a thought or an idea about a baby only leads me back to him.  “He needs to last longer…” I keep on telling myself, as if a new pregnancy makes him feel further away.  Was I ready?  I don’t ask myself those questions because I was and still am ready to trust God in those details.  The whens and hows and whys of life going on are truly His anyhow and anything else I decided only pushed me farther from that truth.  So, was I ready to be pregnant again?  Maybe not.  But some things I think you are never truly ready for.

I want so badly to feel excited.  So badly.  I want my heart to jump like it used to.  I want my child like giggles to come as I fall asleep dreaming of what my baby could be like.  I want to eagerly plan fun and creative ways to tell our children “Mommy is pregnant!”  I want so badly to, but I just can’t.  Or maybe I just won’t.  Either way, I miss the naive bliss that came with thinking that everything is always going to be fine.  So, which is better?  To live overly excited and then blasted with a brick wall when life doesn’t go the way you planned or live numb never really getting attached to any one emotion?  To tell you the truth, I’ve been going back and forth between the two, trying to figure out where faith lies in between the two.

Its as if my spirit and my emotions have detached themselves from one another.  No, fear does not enter.  I fall asleep peaceful knowing that even if I lose this child too I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God will be there to minister to my family once more.  I trust God and I trust God’s plan, even in worst.  At the same time my emotions don’t necessarily play along and I sit, not really feeling one way or another, tired and cranky from morning sickness.  I found the source of God’s true peace, it comes in abundance when we need it most.  Now I am on a hunt to find God’s true joy.  Now where to find that…

A joy not attached to circumstances or feelings.  A joy not dependent upon ultrasound news.  A joy that overflows because there is always something praiseworthy, every day has something.  I tell you, I have not found it yet, but I have hope in my search and I promise to tell you when I do.

2013 tree picking, pregnant with Gideon trying to find smiles in the "today."  2014 tree picking pregnant with BF5, once again trying to find smiles in my today...all the while wondering if this Monday's ultrasound will be different.

2013 tree picking, pregnant with Gideon trying to find smiles in the “today.” 2014 tree picking pregnant with BF5, once again trying to find smiles in my today…all the while wondering if this Monday’s ultrasound will be different.

I mean seriously Aaron, you had to pick the same exact birthday party location??  Aaron's birthday is Nov 28th and while I begged and pleaded him for a different birthday wish...nope.  He said, "Mommy, this year Chuck E Cheese one more time and then for next year we can go somewhere else."  Awesome.  Did I mention groundhog day?

I mean seriously Aaron, you had to pick the same exact birthday party location?? Aaron’s birthday is Nov 28th and while I begged and pleaded him for a different birthday wish…nope. He said, “Mommy, this year Chuck E Cheese one more time and then for next year we can go somewhere else.” Awesome. Did I mention groundhog day?

Today I find hope in remembering that God is not done with me yet.  That there is more to come…”being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6.  God began something in me the day His Story brought me to my knees August 3rd 2002.  He continued that work deeper than I ever could have imagined March 31st 2013, the day Gideon brought heaven to earth.  And now, though I know nothing about my tomorrow, I am confident that He is not finished with me yet.  This is the only version of tomorrow that brings me peace to hone in on.

Monday at 10:15 we have an ultrasound.  At 11 weeks pregnant they will be able to scan baby Furlough #5 to check for kidneys, bladder, renal arteries, and all other anatomy.  I will walk into the same office I did last year after Thanksgiving, probably sit with the same doctor, and my gracious my heart cannot wrap itself around anything else but hearing the same news as we did last year.  But even if, even so…for today I am thankful for today.  For today I have a little life inside me, today I have three earthly children and one heaven bound, and a sweet precious husband who brought me a card for the anniversary of when we met.  For today I will be thankful.  I guess there is a little hint of that joy after all.

Today, thankful.  Next week, ultrasound.  Here we go.

Fear to Faith Wrap Up

As I sit here this Monday night writing, I cannot help but once again be baffled at my under estimation of God’s purposes.  How fully and regularly He takes my expectations and makes real life come out of them, far better than anything I could have conceived.

I cannot emphasize enough how precious and irreplaceable it was meeting with my group of women each week in our Fear to Faith class.  I think it is something I surely did not make enough of a priority in the past, and honestly now that our class is over for the Fall, I quite literally do not know what I am going to do without this group of women in my life each Thursday.  The class was a 10 week class, and sure I think most of us will re-take a class together in the Spring, but my goodness after our last meeting last week I couldn’t help but wish for a …few…more…weeks.

There was a trust present in the room each week.  A trust not only in God and what He wanted to teach us that day, but a vulnerable trust in eachother.  A trust to come in with our tears, fears, and worries and lay them bear to one another.  And this group of 20 women, from all different walks of life and life stages, unknowingly became best of friends.  A group of women united passionately together is a powerful thing.  A thing I want more of.

At our last class, I thanked them for trusting me.  At the onset of the class I intentionally gave them no syllabus, no agenda, no fore site whatsoever into what we would be studying each week.  “It is a practice in trust,” I told them “a practice in being at peace about not needing to know every detail of life or feeling tempted to control it.  A practice in just trusting what God will teach you each week.”  A lofty statement I realize, and I was humbled and thankful for the fact that they trusted me in that.  They even said it actually brought peace to not have to worry or prepare for what was coming next.  Amen.  That is exactly how life should be too.

I also thanked them for letting me share my Gideon with them.  His life truly was the reason why I was there, and they constantly supported me as I shared his life over and over again.  Even through the very last class where we studied the life of Gideon in the Bible.

You see the class ended with a charge to NOW Live in Confidence.  To begin to live in the life transformation that God began in them.  Such a transformation is possible and can be attained.  In the book of Judges Gideon was a fearful man.  He even did his work hiding out in the basement winepress in order to try and not attract any attention on himself.  Then…God called him out.  Out of the basement of fear and into a life of trust and obedience in Him.  He called Gideon to move boldly forward, confident in who God was and what God was calling Him to do.  Gideon did it with God’s help, and we can too.

I decided that there was no better way to conclude these past weeks than with a recap and a group picture.  These are the words and the women who captivated my heart.Group pic

They even humored me with a "silly pic."  I love the ranges of silly from all out sticking out tongue to a slight tilt of head.

They even humored me with a “silly pic.” I love the ranges of silly from all out sticking out tongue to a slight tilt of head.

From Fear To Faith

Week 1:  “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” John 14:27

Week 2:   When fears come we have a choice: Saul or David Psalm 55

Week 3:  Future Telling, Let it Be God’s Job Job 42:1-3

Week 4:  Trust God, Even in the Worst Lamentations 3:19-25

Week 5:  Wrestle with God and Give HIM Control Proverbs 3:1-26

Week 6:  Pray Faith Filled Prayers Over Fear Filled Pleas John 17

Week 7:  Trust What the Bible Says on Suffering James 1:2-17

Week 8: Take Jesus Up on His Offer: Peace Philippians 4:4-9

Week 9: Claim God’s Promises of Protection Psalm 71:6-8

Week 10: Now LIVE IN CONFIDENCE Judges 6:14-26

Something I Would Like To Tell You

It has happened.  Here we are, my husband and I, once again on the journey to parenthood.  This time, as you can imagine, is so different from ever before.

Yes.  We are pregnant.  I felt the urge to share this with you immediately.  Sharing with you gave so much life to Gideon, that I felt the same for this little life too.  “What if I only have a few days with them, I want to tell the world…”  But, this time, its so…well…complicated.

We have decided to not tell our children yet.  So in our home they have a mommy who is sick (but not contagious), tired (but sleeping all the time), and literally eating the food off of their plates.  Poor kiddos probably feel like they are in the twilight zone, but for now we feel the urge to protect them until we know more.

Today was the first time I let myself feel a twinge of excitement.  As we watched the little jellybean on the ultrasound screen, heart pumping and already showing such life I felt a tiny leap of joy.  But then I remembered…Gideon’s 8 week ultrasound looked exactly the same.  Normal, healthy, moving on track and I just cannot find the place in my heart to feel comfortable feeling like everything is going to be okay.  I just don’t know that to be true and though I am fighting the fear away, I won’t let happiness come in either yet.

The first trimester is always a fight for my family and I.  And yet, even as I type those words so many women that I know and love flood through my mind.  The women I met and prayed for this past weekend on the women’s retreat who sob with the desire to just be able to get pregnant.  I think of my other sweet mommies who have lost their little babies, some not pregnant yet (I pray for them and wonder if they simply are not ready yet) and others who just could not have any more.  I fight my emotions on the half of these women and battle for the joy that should come with being pregnant.  I want to fight for that.  Life shouldn’t be like this.

Every woman should be able to get pregnant, from sea to shining sea the ones who want to should bear children as their hearts desire.  No parent should ever out live a child.  We should die first, after watching our children have children and their children to have children too.  Pregnancies should carry no pain, no sickness, and no complications.  That’s how it should be.  But alas, it is not and so my soul does not rest in taking for granted that everything is always going to be okay.

Yet, even in that knowing I can honestly utter the words…I trust God even if I lose this child too.  I trust Him with the bigger plan and I will keep reminding myself that everyday until that day in December when, at 12 weeks, we will go in for an ultrasound to see if this baby has kidneys.  If this baby will be mine to take home.  If this baby will be ours for my children to kiss goodnight…

In our Fear to Faith class last week we talked about what God does offer protection from.  In our yearning for heaven this life will have pain, babies will die far too soon, and pregnancies will start with throwing up every morning.  But there is protection to be had.

As I was sharing with my class one of the precious women said, “Maria, where did you come up with these titles?  They are wonderful.”  I said, “It was easy, I simply wrote down all I experienced through my son’s Gideon’s life.”

And so, here is what we are promised in God’s Word:

Protection from Being Crushed  2 Corinthians 4:7-9  “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

 

Protection from Being Uncomforted  Psalm 23:4  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,  for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

 

Protection from the Evil One  Ephesians 6:10-12   “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God,so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

 

Protection from Losing Our Eternal Inheritance 1 Peter 1:3-5 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,  who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.”

 

Protection from Despair  Psalm 37:23-24  The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”

 

Protection from Permanent Weeping  Psalm 30:2 &5

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me…

weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

 

Protection from Hopelessness  1 Corinthians 1:9-11   Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.”

 

Protection from Wasted Pain  Psalm 126:4-6  Restore our fortunes, Lord,  as streams renew the desert.  Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.  They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.”

 

Protection from Being Alone  Hebrews 4:14-16  Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,[a] Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

 

Protection from Everlasting Harm  Psalm 121:7-8  “ The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;  the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

 

Protection from Death Eternal 1 Corinthians 15:54-55  When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

“Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”

 

Protection from Powerlessness Ephesians 3:14-21 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

 

Protection from Purposelessness Romans 8:28-30 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i]have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.”

 

Protection from Being Unloved Lamentations 3:21-22  “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.”

 

His Protection is Mighty and Strong (This was Gideon’s Verse) Psalm 71:6-8

Yes, you have been with me from birth;
from my mother’s womb you have cared for me.
No wonder I am always praising you!

My life is an example to many,
because you have been my strength and protection.
That is why I can never stop praising you;
I declare your glory all day long.”

 

Yes, some of these I wrestled through.  Protection from everlasting harm, protection from death…it sure felt pretty harmful when we found out Gideon would die.  It sure felt like death when I handed over my son for the last time.  But in all of this I know, that when the final stroke is painted and the picture of my life is through…God will have painted a beautiful picture.  One free of everlasting death and harm.

Now…in the same vain I will remember these things for this child too.  And Lord, may your mighty, strong, eternal, and powerful protection rein over this life, my families lives, and your life too.

I know, its hard to make heads or tails of these early ultrasounds...but then I remember that all of my kids started this same exact way.  I remember each and every one of their jellybean pictures and shed a tear each and everytime.  This baby is no exception.

I know, its hard to make heads or tails of these early ultrasounds…but then I remember that all of my kids started this same exact way. I remember each and every one of their jellybean pictures and shed a tear each and everytime. This baby is no exception.