More Than Skin Deep...

Is Being Me Enough?

Posted on June 19, 2013 by trueworth

I had to switch it up today, I was got sick and tired of plain old me plain old life. So, I had ice cream for lunch. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough to be exact. I know, bold move right? Yes. That is a purple cone (I was out of pink). I had to do SOMETHING ANYTHING!

Ice cream cones for lunch, I’m sure, is not the answer. But I was just getting bored ya know? I have been me for over 30 years now, something has got to give. I’ve tried dieing my hair, accent nails, new clothes, losing weight…the results are all the same: still me. Granted I do have kind of a new me, I am more peaceful, calm, less stressed out lately. Some of the crazy has diminished. But wait! When the dust settles: still me.

Its not necessarily that I do or don’t like me. Some days I’m not so bad, other days I want to kick my own butt to the moon, for the most part though it all evens out and I’m okay with being me. But I was trained, molded, brain washed for…

Improvement

Get Better

Be Better

Do More

Do Less

Eat Better

Be a perfect Mommy

Be a perfect wife

I am a child of the magazine age and I’ve tried to personify each cover I have ever seen. But I don’t wanna anymore. I want to taste the sweetness of contentment and keep it. Sure, I’ve tried it on for size but I never leave it on for long. My true colors usually get the best of me and I get distracted again by accomplishing.

But lately I have not had the luxury of accomplishing to hide behind and I’ve gotten a bit antsy. Almost naked feeling. ”Me?? Just me?? Noooooo!! Must avert my eyes!” Then I wake up the next day and bam…just me again. I’m thinking I am just going to have to get used to this. But is being me enough?

Stripped down to the bone, to the core, just me? Not my clothes, not my degrees, not my looks, not the cleanliness of my home or the politeness of my children. Can I stand up under what makes up me? My heart, my core, my spirit… when my last day comes are those things about me something to be proud of?

Sure.

Or at least, I’m getting there.

The nakedness of my life has allowed me to peer deeper inside of my motivations and get a “heart” makeover. Its scary and relieving all at the same time. Scary because making over the outside of the cup is surface level, easy. But the inside of the cup is a little grimy, moldy, and takes a little elbow grease to get clean. ”First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” Matthew 23:26

Some items on my makeover list:

There have been things I have clung to because it was easy and entertaining, got my mind off the stresses of today. So I have to let them go for awhile. Let God rescue me instead of things. Not letting the sun go down without praying and reading God’s Word.

Stress through the years gave me a quick fuse. Its not okay. Peace, grace, patience and mercy take practice.

I have spent far too long whining about day to day responsibilities. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, working wah wah wah. Try as I might hating them with a feverish passion never makes them go away. I’m trying joy on for size.

Being me really has never been enough, but it really should be. I might still eat ice cream for lunch though. But if I ever give myself a mohawk then please, be concerned and call for help.

Doubting Decisions

Posted on June 12, 2013 by trueworth

I quit my job and I love it. I have never felt such peace in my entire life. But since I have stopped working people keep asking me the same question: “Are you writing another book then?” A sane, calm, rational person says, “Thanks for asking, but no. I am taking some time off with hopes of writing again soon.” But noooooooo. This brain spirals down into a whirlwind of…

Why?????

Should I be???

If I’m not going to does that mean I suck at life????

I must be wasting my time?? Being lazy even??

Oh no! Have I gotten lazy??

Great! Also I think that makes me a failure.

Well, at least I can then write a book about being insecure and lazy AND a failure.

Truth is I want to write another book. Writing and speaking feels like breathing for me, something I need to do. That’s why it feels weird that my answer is ‘no.’ But for me, for today, in this season of life I am in right now…I know its not what God has for me. So whats the deal then? What of these feelings of failure and inadequacy that keep popping up?

This is what I do know : When I take my eyes off of what I know God wants for me I get distracted and then I doubt.

God’s ways are not our ways and so they stand up in stark contrast to what we see around us. To the world, if I’m not achieving than what worth am I? To the world, if I am not actively succeeding than I am failing. To the world, if I’m not conforming to whats popular than there must be something wrong with me. When I fixate my eyes out instead of up it gets me every time.

Psalm 9:10
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek /you.”

This really is not an easy feat. Standing firm in what you are doing even though you cannot be sure of the outcome takes faith. That’s just it. At the end of the day, even on my best days, I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. All I have to get me through tough decisions, raging insecurities, and all encompassing worry is faith that God has me right where He wants me.

I think about you a lot. I pray for you and wonder about how amazing it is that somehow God has connected me to you. I am not sure what (if any) decisions you might be doubting lately but here are some questions that helped me. In all things, may you know that God has you exactly where He wants you.

Life is full of seasons, some peaceful some rocky. What is my season right now? What are some things I like or don’t like about it?

Do I have peace in my days?

Am I seeking fulfillment in things, accomplishments, people?

Do I always feel let down if each activity in my day doesn’t meet my (high) expectations?

UnFilling the Cracks

Posted on June 5, 2013 by trueworth

I’ve always thought that slowing down just wasn’t my thing. I threw it on the list of things I can’t do like I can’t ride a moped, I can’t shoot a free throw shot, I can’t do the worm, and I can’t slow down my pace of life. I was fine with it too. Accepted it. Just like I did the first three things on that list (one time, while on vacation with my family, I tried to rent a moped. After blazing through the parking lot and nearly hitting three people the moped man said to me, “For your safety and the safety of everyone on this island I cannot allow you to rent this moped.” No, not making this up.)

To be honest, I always thought that staying overly busy made me a better person. I thought if I can do more than obvious I will be more…right? So I filled them in. I filled in ALL the cracks in my life. No breathing room, ever.

So here I am, two days into unemployment and wondering why it took me so long to stop. Just stop Maria! I have told you before that I have a crazy brain (I think we all do in a way) but I think my crazy brain convinced myself of all different kinds of lies.

Lies like If you slow down all the people you say NO to will hate you.

Lies like If you slow down you will probably get fat. (I mentioned crazy right?)

Lies like If you slow down you will stop and have time to see how little you have done.

Lies like If you slow down you will be bored.

But slowing down is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I thought if I slowed down long enough to really reflect on my life, who I am, what I have become, what I do then I would hate what I found. That it would stir up all my greatest weaknesses. Such the opposite has occurred. I have been more patient, kind, caring, loving and at peace than I have been in a long time.

Joy has overflowed into my days in the most unlikely ways. Yes, my sweet outdoor cleaning session with my children turned into a water fight with the hose on the “power clean” setting. But I had so much fun laughing and playing with them. Yes, my son spent half the day with his underwear backwards AND inside out. But I am watching him learn how to get himself dressed. No I have not cashed in on any of those yoga classes I purchased. But I am getting to give personal dolphin rides in the pool on a daily basis.

Here's to not filling in all the cracks! Ha, sorry I could not resist. And yes, he will literally kill me one day for this picture.

Here’s to not filling in all the cracks! Ha, sorry I could’t resist. And yes, he will literally kill me one day for this picture.

I just didn’t think I had it in me. I thought I would always be the little girl in first grade who berated her teacher for only asking the boys to help move chairs. Or the freshman in college who insisted I would spend who knows how many extra years in school to become a lawyer. Always having to accomplish more, be more, be better. Its weird though, me all of sudden feels like enough. Its a nice place to be.

I am just thankful for God’s patience with me. Pretty sure He has been trying to have me slow down for a long time. Its like I see God, my life, my children, my husband so much more clearly. Even the good things I filled up my time with began fogging my vision of God’s blessings. There is such beauty in the stillness and when I am still it makes me all the more beautiful too.

The this or that for me was trusting God with my finances, my future, my profession, my worth…to trust Him and take that blind leap of faith. Why not? We are but a vapor afterall…

Does this thing come with Instructions?

Posted on May 29, 2013 by trueworth

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months when everything seems to go wrong? Everyday feels like Ground Hog Day. The same mess over and over and over. On many occasions I actually find myself looking up to the sky and saying, “Really God? Really?”

I would like to think that words like “fun,” “loving,” “unselfish,” “joyful,” would be the type of words used to describe my family. Mostly I feel like “messy” is the only word that will actually do.

Case and point #1.

Simple request: Since we are all dressed up, beautiful and fancilike, for my brother-in-laws wedding how about a family picture? A momento to track this precious occassion. A snapshot in time, if you will. Behold…

Case and point #2.

Simple request: Please, let mommy finish getting dressed. I will be down in one minute. Below is the scene that welcomed me. I guess worse things have happened…

True story. Scariest doll I’ve ever seen, its only appropriate the kids pulled its head off. They loved that thing, its name was Barron. Don’t worry, they cleaned up all their mess and Grandma Debbie will be delivering a new (hopefully less horrifying) doll.

These instances I do believe are quite hilarious, but most are not nearly as picturesque. I find the question often popping into my mind, “Is this all there is? An incessant redudancy of baths times, 3.5 meal times a day, squeezing in ab crunches and flax seed to “stay healthy,” working, writing, folding laundry and going to bed?” Not only do I find myself digging for the true worth I deep down believe in, but the question of life’s worth sometimes rears its head.

I must have take my eyes off of what is most important.

“The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” Hebrews 4:12

Surely if the Word of God can do all of that, it can help me deal with my “mess.” I guess we all need reminding sometimes that this thing called life does come with an instruction manual. It does come with answers and it does come with hope. Too often I take my eyes off of the wisdom available and ready to impart new breath into this tired soul.

The verse before:

“There remains, then a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his.” Hebrews 4:10

“So Maria,” (this is God talking to me in my head. Crazy possibly but this is what goes on in my mind. Honest.) “Put down the to-do list, put down the mess in your mind, cup the precious cheeks of those children of yours and kiss them until they squirm out of your grip. Rest and play, at the very least, once a week. And don’t forget, I’m a pretty smart Guy.”

Living In Fear

Posted on May 22, 2013 by trueworth

So I cut my hair, quit my job…I’m turning over a new leaf. This also means a new season for my writing. Up until now I have tried to decide on “topics.” You know, covering this that and the other thing. But now, I am putting pen to paper with the uncut version of me.

This is uncomfortable. Sure, writing about my big butt or hairy arms was bad, but that felt like pie compared to this. This is the ugly. This is the underlying pain and struggle that that lives deep down. The stuff I wish we all talked about more. So here it is, me talking about it.

Truth be told I have been totally consumed by fear and death lately. The tragedy, pain, suffering, and unpredictability of this world is terrifying me. But this is a direct contradiction to my faith and so it makes me feel weak and doubtful. My prayer journal today reads this:

Lord, I keep on going back and back and back again to fear. Fear of death. Fear of something happening to my children. Fear of tragedies out of my control. This world is so sad. So painful. So evil. But my children, my family and loved ones they are so pure, so special, so precious and so vulnerable. Lord Jesus and I am so overwhelmed by the impossibility of protecting my children all the time. I can’t. I want to believe in the power of my prayers, but sometimes evil feels more powerful. But since you have given me a choice I choose you. I choose Hope. I choose to dwell on your forever promises.

These feelings come up, and I push them back down. Sandy Hook…Boston Bombing…Oklahoma…children dying…parents dying. I can’t run from it! Its everywhere and in so many different forms. It is here that the eternal clashes with the temporary.

I have never thought much about hope until now. The word “hope” in my mind was always so flimsy, whimsical, and happy. ”Hope” was just one of those Hallmark words you put alongside “faith” and “love.” True Hope is so much more meaningful than that. Its deeper and carries eternal meaning.

“I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have HOPE:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.” Lamentations 3:19-22

This Hope in God’s love, compassion, and paradise is all I’ve got and I won’t let it out of my grip. But how? How to I focus in on that when the world seems to be crumbling around me?

1. I don’t watch the news anymore. Ever. I will inevitably hear about the tragedy through word of mouth, I will pray for and weep with the mourning, but I no longer news binge.

2. I talk about heaven with my kids. At first it felt weird, almost grim to talk to my kids about heaven. But now it gives me peace to hear my kids cheerfully singing songs about about how in heaven there are no boo boos, no crying, no sadness, and no darkness only light (that one they particularly enjoy because they hate bedtime).

3. I focus on today. Every time I am tempted to worry about the tomorrows and the “whatifs” I reign in my brain to soak up the moment I am in. Making a list of things I am thankful for has helped. I use this app: One Thousand Gifts.

4. Also I might tattoo “Hope” on my body as a constant reminder. Just kidding Grandpa! (well kind of).

No this is not my foot, but you never know what tomorrow will bring!

True Worth