As I sat there on my couch, fervantly writing my prayers, it hit me…these are the last pages of this journal. A prayer journal that started like this:
“The Lord will keep you from all harm – He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:7-8
You see when I journal I simply read a few passages of Scripture, write down the verses that stand out to me the most, and then pray through them. On August 18, 2013, after reading and writing down the words to that Psalm, I prayed this…
How quickly I doubt in this promise. Though I am bruised I am not crushed, for you are always with me. Today is a special day…A POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST!!! My heart leaps Lord! I am so grateful, excited, overjoyed, thankful and more thankful! I praise you Lord for this life and praise you for the peace and trust I have in you. I can rest knowing that this verse is true, that you are good and that nothing happens in our lives that is not by your knowing. My dear God thank you! Protect this little life, even now a child of yours…
I promise you, I cannot make this stuff up! There it is, my hearts cry on August 18th 2013 and I sob even today as I read those words. That little life I prayed for was Gideon! And that verse promises to watch over our lives, our coming and going and if you flipped through the pages of my journal you could say, “What happened Lord?? What happened to the prayer from page one? What happened…”
This is the excerpt from my prayers after Gideon’s diagnosis. Two days later, on November 24th, I fell on my face and begged God for mercy and compassion on my son and on me. I was scared and in despair, and though I was in the worst hours of my life I ran to Him, laid at His feet, and wailed. I had no where else TO go.
As I open up the cover, August 18th is the very first page and as I close it June 28th is the last. Oh the life that happened through those pages. The tears shed, the heart broken, the life redeemed, the true faith realized. My heart is literally enclosed on those pages. My Gideon is enclosed on those pages. Everything that I have known and lived and learned is on…those…pages!!
“You turned my wailing into dancing, you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with Joy.” Psalm 30:11
On April 1st, 2014, it was the day after I met, fell in love with, and lost my baby son, I prayed this…
Father, even through my tears I know this verse to be true and I praise you Lord for yesterday. Thank you for gifting me with Gideon’s life. Thank you for providing him with comfort and peace. Thank you for giving him a place in your arms. Thank you for sending and army of angels. Thank you for using Gideon to touch so many…Father will you give him hugs and kisses for me? Please tell him his mommy loves him and misses him so so much. My heart aches, my body aches, my soul aches…but in you Lord I know you will be here. Be there for my family too.
Why is it that I so hesitate to leave this book behind? This season of my life that has carried so much pain and loss is the very season I am not sure I am ready to leave. I saw first hand heaven on earth and I saw what happens when, in weakness and desperation, you forget all of your own pre-conceptions, fears, prides, opinions, and controls and simply fall into Him with the only thing you have to give…your trust. These pages, they contain none of my strength. There is no strength of mine to be found in one single utterance of these prayers. Only a drowning woman, lost in sorrow and broken dreams with her head barely reaching the surface of the water and gasping for air.
I hesitate to leave these pages behind, because for the first time in my life I realized I really…I mean REALLY…cannot do this alone. I don’t think anyone can, but I know I did a good job pretending. But my choice, the choice to trust Christ, the choice to believe that Christ died so that unity in Heaven could be realized. The choice to humbly acknowledge that I am not perfect, never have been and never will be. The choice to dare to trust that God does not desire evil for my life. The choice to fall into His trustworthiness.
My body literally trembles as I write the final prayers in this book. But I take a deep breath and remember that if I can trust Him in my today then I can trust Him in my tomorrow too. And until the day comes when I get to leave this world and run head strong into the arms of those I love, until that day…He is not finished with me yet.
“He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5
If ever there were a picture that captured my life, I think it would be this one. I often let my kids write in my prayer journal and they were particularly artful inside the back cover. Over their crayon and through the scribble I penned my next project “From Fear to Faith.” Nope, you cannot read a thing. Nope, no one else could interpret a thing on these pages. But to me? It represents God’s workings despite my mess and I love it.