Honest Confession

“We live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

We can be honest here right?  A safe place, real issues shared, and God’s truth to reign faithful.  That is always my prayer for this space.  So here it goes.

This week Dave and I travelled to the Bahamas.  In a faithful step to learn what God might have for our future involvement in missions there, we packed up our stuff.  We kissed our kiddos goodbye and headed out the door.

I am not kidding you, I pretty much convinced myself I was dieing on this trip. Like what the flip, I thought I had this fear thing under control and then Bam!  I’m in my kitchen debating whether or not I would prefer to die via drowning or shark attack.  I picked shark attack in case you were wondering.

What is this thing that constantly steals joy?  What is this battle scheme to take my heart, my mind and my prayers off of others and onto myself?  It’s that blasted fear thing again.  It just doesn’t quit easy.

This time two things made all of the difference.

One, I kept asking myself “does this thought sound like God or does it sound like the enemy?”  Surely God does not sound like terror and helplessness. No, in my heart and my mind God’s voice always sounds encouraging, hopeful and peaceful.  His voice focuses on all that is true, is praiseworthy, is lovely and is life giving.  

Sure,  we all have a time and a place that we will die.  But my faith in what is unseen (not what is seen) tells me that God is not going to taunt me with that death.  My faith tells me that in His time and in His way, God will usher me into his hands and that the sting of death died with Jesus on the cross.

Identifying God’s voice helped me in my moments, when fear of leaving my children parentless would not let me rest.

The second thing that helped was recognizing that even more than my fear of death was my fear of missing out on an opportunity to serve and to love.  The chance of dieing was and is an possibility, but what was definite was Dave and I’s unity in knowing that that this was a trip God called us to.

I might die.  But I most assuredly would regret not going. 

So here I sit, bags in hand sitting at the airport.  To be continued.

If you feel called to pray, please pray that the death that would occur would be a death of self centered ness.  A death to all that is minor in comparison to the greater call of unconditional love that Jesus has given to his children.

(And you can pray for my parents.  10 pages of directions, four kids and a behavior chart later they are the ones that might not make it out alive).

2 thoughts on “Honest Confession

  1. Maria,Just to reasure you ,everything will go fine and before you know it you’ll be back home…So you 2 enjoy togetherness and relaxation for a little while, because those lil people will be just fine with Mom and Dad..I don’t know about Dad though :):):)only kidding:):)..I really know how you feel about the fear of leaving , the sharks and all the other stuff., You help me with all that stuff everytime y0u write .I miss your writings like many others do…Please keep writing and sharing ..We need you and Love you.,Nana

  2. Hi Honey, just got around to reading your Honest Confession, and by now you are back home, very alive, knowing that Mom and Dad survived and your children are not orphans. As if we would let them be orphans anyway. In the picture, it’s Dave who looks like the one having a fear issue. I can’t wait to hear all about your experiences in the Bahamas and how God answered your prayers and call to mission. So don’t delay sending the next installment – we are always inspired by your insight and your faith, even when the doubts arise. You help us to believe that He is always by our side. Love and blessings, Gram

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