Sometimes I go into #infantloss on Instagram just to make myself cry.
I cry for the pain of every single Momma that posts in there. I cry for the pain of this world, that for as long as we are here Mothers will those their babies. But I also cry to feel him close again.
My tears bring him back. For only a moment, with those hot tears on my face, I remember what it felt like to hold him. To kiss his cheeks and to play with his toes. I miss him so much. Every. Single. Day.
Yet there is this thing that happens when we have hope. This thing that happens when we believe in a God who is all powerful and all knowing and we can still trust Him even in our loss and our suffering. This thing creates in us something beautiful.
Sometimes I wonder, if given the choice would I change it all? Would I choose to have him here with me and then give up all the impact that his little life accomplished?
Would I? Would I change it?
I don’t think I would.
One of the many things that my sweet baby son Gideon Matthew taught me is that I can finally trust God’s ways over my own. I don’t understand it all. A lot of it hurts like hell. But I can trust Him and I know that even His hardest plans are way better than my easy ones.
Just two little kidneys. My baby boy was missing two organs and it changed the course of our lives. I never even knew that was a thing. Babies missing kidneys. Who knew?
But without kidneys there is no amniotic fluid.
Without amniotic fluid the lungs don’t develop.
No lungs, no sustaining of life.
So I choose to believe that the God who created the intricacies of our inmost being also created the intricacies of my heart. That woven so tightly into who I am is the baby that I carried for 36 weeks and whose heart beat near mine for 90 sweet minutes. I can trust Him.
And I am so grateful to be a part of the most beautiful group of women on this earth. We are the baby loss Mommas. We are the women suffering silently and loudly over our miscarriages. We are the women who can’t wait to meet our babies in heaven. Whether we carried them for two weeks or 9 months they are ours and we love them and they are ours for all eternity.
You give me hope. You give me hope in the strength God crafted in us, to carry our burden and our hurt with grace and with compassion and with tears that are for all of our children lost.
Thank you for walking this life with me. May we find encouragement in knowing that women we don’t even know are praying for us. Trust me, I know. You #infantloss warriors, I’ve prayed for you often.
Here’s to one more day and one step at a time. Love you my sweet sisters.
*This post was written from my heart to hers, for all my baby loss and miscarriage sisters. My dear friend Adriel Booker has a sweet ministry just for us. She is also starting an Instagram account to catch our tears, it is called @ourscarlettstories. I’ll be crying there often.