I used to rock my kids to bed at night and my love for them would grip me with fear. I had never loved that way before, it hurt, and it scared me that I could not control their future.
Up and down in my mind I would concoct scenarios, and I would worry about things big and small.
I love them that much, how could I not?
This past week held one of the most joyous moments of parenting I have ever had. I have never experienced such pride and adoration and my momma heart welled up to brim.
Faith came home one day two weeks ago and said, “Mom, I want to be in the talent show.”
I pause here for a moment of honesty as none of the things going through my mind at that point were lovely mommy thoughts. They were brutal mommy thoughts that you are happy stay in your brain.
What on earth!? Talent show? What are you possibly going to do? Who are you going to do it with? We do NOT have time for this! Why now, why?! Its due in two days? You do know people will be watching right??
I muster it up, I take a deep breath, “Oh honey that sounds awesome! What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.”
Of course you don’t know! Why would you possibly know?
Another deep breath, “Okay sweetie, well, lets figure it out!”
And we did.
And she did.
And Faith and her brother David rocked the socks off of their talent show with their rendition of “Scars to Your Beautiful.”
May I show them off for just one minute? (Give it a second, the sound people botched the mic in the beginning)
The best part of this all, was the message in the song and how confidently my children shared it. All those sleepless nights I had praying for my children and rocking them to sleep that they would be brave and that they would be confident and that someday they would see and know how deeply perfect and beautiful they are, all those prayers seemed to fall into place in one sweet song.
Now the old Maria, the fearful one, I would hardly have enjoyed this moment. Why? Well, because I would still be fixated on the unknown future. After all, they are just 9 and 7, all the insecurity and inconfidence is sure to be right around the corner right? Surely the age of innocence is now and its no wonder that they are secure, but soon that will change and then they will hurt and I don’t want them to hurt that way, and worry worry worry.
To those thoughts I say, “Go to hell.”
Brutal, I know. But it is truly how I feel about those lies.
If only for today, if only for tonight, I am going to savor the security and the courage and the hope and the confidence of my darling kiddos. No, I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, but I am going to leave tomorrow in tomorrow and enjoy that for today there is joy and hope.
For today I rejoice and I praise and I skip up and down that not only do my children know they are beautiful, but they want other kids to know it too.
I’m not sure if you rock your kids to sleep at night in fear of the future or you sit and savor today, but wherever you find yourself I can relate. I have been on both ends and I can promise you that there is a choice in the thoughts we allow ourselves to fixate on.
What is your if only for today praise?
I pray that no matter what happens next or what comes tomorrow, that today cannot be taken from you. Today is yours, may you find blessings in its moments.
I love doing this life with you, here we go together. One day at a time.