It has been WAY too long right? I mean I have been chomping at the bit to get back on here and tell you a million stories, share life with you again, and do a little God searching together.
Its been an “interesting” past few months, to say the least.
I’ve been book writing, madly book writing, and in the process my life, my emotions, and my faith did gymnastics inside of me. It is a joy to do this work, I am so full to have the honor to write and to write out the story that God has done in me. But man good things can really be hard things sometimes.
I was just finishing up writing chapter 8. I was in a good place, a (dare I say) confident place, and there was much peace in my heart and in my home. It was nice.
Then, a surprise pregnancy happened. Shortly after a heart breaking miscarriage. And while I can sit here now and thank God for his mercy and all the ways He did look out for me, that nice and cozy place of peace I was in got turned upside down in the form of doubt and fear. An intense dose of doubt and fear, ones I have not encountered for some time.
What is the deal with all that? Where my sanity went, I’m not sure, but I turned into a bundle of wrestling mess. No joke, I literally started reading my own book. I started in chapter one and step by step took my own advice. Starting first with naming my fears, out loud.
I was afraid of the pain. I was eternally grateful to God that it was an early miscarriage, I only had a few weeks of pregnancy, but it was enough for me to get excited. The pain came and I think it just stirred back up the pot of grieving Gideon.
I was afraid of trusting God. All of a sudden I realized how much planning instead of trusting I had done with my future.
I was afraid of making the wrong choices about family planning.
I was afraid of my emotions.
I was afraid I wouldn’t finished my book now/I was thrown into full doubt and lack of confidence in anything I had written.
What on the earth.
If anything I pray that my sharing always reminds you that you are not at all crazy, I never have it all together, and we do eachother some wonderful good when we give one another safe places to be us. All the hard and crazy included.
Alas once more, it seemed God had work in me to do. I had lost sight of the form of true peace and true trust that came from our time of suffering and loss. It is going to be three years this month. Three years. Just long enough to gradually lose sight of what is truly important in faith and in life.
Without even realizing it I had taken back the reigns and subconsciously told God, “I got this, you can have some time off.” When life gets into cruise control I forget who is really in control.
I don’t believe God caused our miscarriage, I believe He cries when I cry. But I do believe He is using it to bring me back into focus.
I can give you a little teaser, Dave and I have wrestled and prayed and talked and prayed some more and we do not feel peace about permanently preventing pregnancy. In addition, I have no idea what our capacity for more pregnancies or babies truly is. But we have decided to silence the voices around us and silence the voices of fear that creep up in us and just live one day at a time. Trusting that God will grant us peace in the places we need and when we need it.
I am almost done with writing the book. Can you believe it?! You have been on my heart and my mind constantly as I write. This journey I am on is with you right alongside of me.
Is there a place in your life that you sense God calling to trust Him in completely but you don’t know how? Is there a decision you have to make that is eating away at you, and you want to trust God fully but control feels so much more comfortable? Amen, I have been there and I am praying for you. Take solace in knowing that there is growth that comes through the wrestling. Peace that comes after the storm.
I think I am going to be back now, if that’s okay. I’ve missed writing here terribly and while I’m not fully sure of the “whens” and the “hows,” I’m back!
May this verse breathe life into your moment and your day and make you rest remembering that God has got our futures planted firmly in His powerful and trustworthy hands.
“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:16