I’m calling it. This video is, officially, the perfect analogy for my life. Please enjoy a brief video intermission while I go humbly collect myself:
I know you are not going to believe me, but I promise, no toddlers were hurt in the filming of this video!
This is basically me. I wonder if you can relate. Running around life, my eyes and ears covered, hearing nothing but my own crazy voice echoing around in my head, and being stopped, only every so often, with a fall flat on my face. “Oh I’m not injured (or dead)? Sweet, put the bucket back on my head and keep running around blind!”
What is this that we do to ourselves?
At first, when relating to my 13 month old’s new game, I feel shame. Wow, I really am oblivious sometimes. Like God has this whole entire world and His amazing plan set before me and I shut my eyes to it, hardly able to hear what He even says or wants for me. My eyes stay limited to dark blank before me, and in a swirling fashion, I try to just simply survive this life. Yup, first came the shame.
But then, ever so sweetly, I started thinking of how I looked at it from a Mother’s perspective. Samuel created this game for himself and I thought it amazing at how he found utter joy in this fun (and dangerous) activity. He was also smart enough to, every so often, remove the pail from his head and reconnect with Mom to make sure that everything was okay. Once he received a smiling nod from me, he was back at it. My job? To laugh with him and to make sure that no wall or sharp cornered edge was in his way. A bump here or there, sure, but my job was to assess the risk at every corner while still encouraging his creativity and laughter.
Is this not how our Heavenly Father sees us? Sure, we might feel completely small and incapable sometimes. I pretty much feel like that on a daily basis. But our Father is pleased with our efforts! He is not expectant of a perfect performance or flawless capabilities. Afterall, if we had that, we would never take off our blinders to check back in with God to make sure we are headed in the right direction. Its a joyful dance. Not one free of pain or mistakes, but an intimate one nonetheless. One that I know fills my God’s heart with joy over His daughter.
This weekend at SheSpeaks, for the first time in a long time, I felt like the blinders were off. For a moment the darkness cleared and I saw a glimpse of what God sees when He looks at my life. All the tears, all the sadness, all the hours of writing and feeling worthless in it, for a moment God lifted it all and showed me what it has done. Even if nothing ever comes from it. Even if I receive NO’s for the rest of my life. Even if the tear stained story stays clung to a screen instead of the pages of a book. Even then still God has not wasted my pain. I saw that so clearly.
It was soon time for my appointments with publishers. As I sat across from two beautiful women, first a publisher from Revell and then one from B&H, and I poured out my story and planned book to them. I shared with them about Gideon and about what he created in me was a peace heart that I never thought possible. I shared with them that it didn’t just help me, but it ministered to countless other people in their quest too to believe it when God tells us that we do not need to be afraid. When it was finally time for them to speak, my heart beating out of my chest thinking “Oh no! What are they going to say? What is it going to be? Is it doom?? Is it good? Ahhhh…” Both said the same thing:
“Maria, you have something amazing here. I am so excited to take this and read this!”
No, “Tell me whether or not you are awesome by telling me how many Twitter followers you have?”
No, “I’m not sure you have the platform for this.”
No, “I’m sorry you didn’t know that you actually suck and should not be allowed in public?”
In their smiles and in their sweet gestures and faces, those two publishers gave me a glimpse into how God views me and I will be forever eternally grateful. I will also be praying for them, on a daily basis for them both. Not so that my book will be published, but so that they can continue to tap into the heart of God and be blessed with His purposes as they set out to do a very difficult job.
It will be weeks before I hear back from them, and I will let you know when I do. But in the meantime, I think I will put that bucket back on my head and go about my daily everyday stumbling of crazy. Confident and at peace that I have a good and loving Heavenly Father watching over me, even when I stumble and fall.