I have so much enjoyed this month. Reading the stories and testimonies of other families has been a blessing. News stories and articles often cover the facts, the details, the statistics. But God’s power and presence comes through when you read the story straight from a Momma’s mouth, straight from the person going through it. Somehow God grows bigger when we see people live to tell about joy on the other side of pain.
I will be honest, my fingers have been itching to write!! God moments and Gideon memories came in and out of my days and I am so used to getting to write them down! So today, two days before Gideon’s 2nd heavenly birthday, I would like to share how I have been reminiscing about him over these last few weeks.
I’ve been missing my boy. A. Lot. So, when you miss someone you think about them. Over and over again I’ve played through my mind the few tender moments I spent with him.
One thing I have been noticing about life is that God’s Holy Spirit, it’s power and peace, lives in the here and the now . It’s doesn’t necessarily live in my living room when I am watching the tragedy on the news, but I believe God is there covering those people. It doesn’t project into the future, probably why people spend so much time in fear. And, if you are not careful, when you are thinking into the past it can be easy to focus on the hard parts over the divine ones. I had to resist that temptation this month as I visited with Gideon in my mind.
I remember his cry. When Gideon was born he let out one sweet cry and it was a sweet audible miracle!
I remember his breathing on my chest. I couldn’t see him because I was flat on the c-section table, but I could feel him. I remember saying over and over again “it is okay sweet Gideon, Mommy is here and I love you!”
I remember his cheeks. Nothing has ever been softer. Over and over again I kissed them, if I close my eyes and focus really hard I can still recall exactly what they felt like.
I remember his little legs. After he passed away I held him and played with his feet and legs. What is in interesting to me is that I memorized his legs more than any other part of him, it’s the visual memory of him that I can recall the easiest.
That’s it. Those memories (plus a few tiny more) are all I have to run over in my mind. Sometimes I study his pictures, trying to grab more. Just a little bit more of him to notice and think on. One time I noticed eye lashes! I was examining him so closely that I noticed tiny little lashes. Not all newborns have lashes yet so I thought that detail was especially special.
Like I said, if I’m not careful I can also spend time wishing things had gone just a little bit differently. This is not where God wants me. I know this to be true. He does not want my brain to go up and down on all the ways I wish God had moved differently. Even just for a few more warm moments of Gideon’s cheeks. Just a few more God? Could I have not had just. A. Few. More.
I think it is natural and understandable for my mind to wander in this way. Part of the loss and the grief is also the wondering and the why. But I can’t linger long! But how? When my mind starts whirling and the doubt and the negativity threaten to take over what is there to do? This verse comes to mind, and once more God’s truth comes to the rescue:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
And so, as I celebrate my sweet baby son Gideon this week. One whom I miss deeply and somedays wish I could leap to be with him. Today, this day, in his honor, I think on such things.
What is true is that Gideon’s birthday and death day was the most peaceful day of my life. Because of this God’s peace remains in our family.
What is noble is that God gave me a strong husband to help me wade through these waters. Dave continues to stand strong in faith and leadership.
What is right is that God’s truth never fails me. Never.
What is pure is the love my children have for Gideon, ever celebrating him and honoring him as part of our family.
What is lovely is Gideon’s sweet face and the pictures I have of him. Nothing could be more lovely to me.
What is admirable is the support that our loved ones have given over these past years. It inspires me to do the same at every opportunity.
What is excellent is getting to be on vacation this week and celebrating on the road.
What is praiseworthy is the fruit God has born through Gideon’s life and that He has allowed us glimpses of it.
As we honor Gideon’s birthday this Thursday on March 31st, we savor and adore all your #GideonBlue pictures. Keep them coming!