I am a mess. A hot mess, to be exact. Toggling effortlessly between insanity and faithfulness, this book thing has got me all alley ooped.
Two weeks ago? I couldn’t write. I decided that anything I had to say was poppycock and should not be put in writing. I decided that clearly the world would keep turning if I didn’t post. So I didn’t.
Now? This week I found myself praying this:
“God, if you want me to write it…I will. For you, for Gideon, for all the hurt Mommies who’ve lost little ones, I will write it. But right now I am feeling like I simply can’t so you are going to have to help me!”
So a few days before that prayer, I received a random phone call. A phone call from the “founder and president” of Tate Publishing, the company who ran my last book. I didn’t pick up the call and when I listened to the voicemail it went something like, “Hi Maria, this is founder and president, I hear you want to publish a book, I’m sure you’re wondering why I am the one calling you and if your interested I can explain, call me back if you want to. The end.” I called him back and left a message following a brief and stunned moment of confusion.
What proceeded is the epic crazy that I like to call my brain. Days later he has not called back, to which I decided that clearly my voicemail was a disaster in its entirety, to which he decided I was not worthy of calling me back and so will not waste another minute on me.
Like I said, crazy. Like I said, hot mess.
But there is more. You see last time I wrote a book I did it all backwards. Unbeknownst to me at the time, when you are writing non-fiction you write a book proposal to submit to publishers and agents. Not the entire manuscript, which I did last time and which is why I ended up with a subsidy publisher. Anyhow, so as it stands I love writing books and hate writing book proposals. A book proposal needs to include things such as:
-A market analysis, what books currently on the market are like the one you are going to write and why is yours different?
-An audience analysis, what types of people is your book aimed to reach? Why would they read your book?
-A “prove to me your awesomeness with the number of Facebook friends you have, twitter followers, views on your blog, and comments on your blog per year” analysis!
And those are just a few examples. It all leaves me, well…it leaves me feeling inadequate and small.
I was feeling all these things, full fledged and raw. Then this happened:
I am not kidding. I am sure Myquillyn and Emily had no idea that they were doing an entire webinar effort just for me, but in fact they were. I signed up post haste and hung on Emily’s every word.
I intensely jotted notes down, and it is a good thing I did, because all I could actually hear her saying was “You can do this. I promise you, you can do this. You can do this you can do this you can do this.” Emily broke it all down into sizeable and palatable pieces and the wind was caught back into my sails.
Then I remember it all.
I don’t want to Just write a book proposal, I want to tell Gideon’s story. I want to give words, whole words and paragraphs to his God story from beginning to end. Yes, it is hard for me. My emotions, by brain, and my past self perceived failure at publishing is holding me back around every turn. But at every moment that I am just about to give up, God throws me some type of lifeline. I guess He wants me to keep going.
So here I am today, and now I even have action points! So if I am going to possibly realistically move forward with this I need to share, confess, confide in you, and/or ask you the following:
- I found an awesome support group. I realized my need for help, for advice, for prayer in my fear, insecurity, and doubt writing issues and so I joined the Hope Writers that so graciously put on the life saving webinar. It exists for people struggling. Thank you Jesus!
- I’m asking for help. I am going to have to start getting over the fact that always in general in life I HATE asking for help (pretty sure it’s the woman in me) and I beg your pardon IN ADVANCE as I stumble through this part. I write because I love to and because I love you and because I feel called to. That’s it and that’s all. But if I am going to be able to do well in front of a publisher I need to show them that someone else might love to read Gideon’s story too. You can help me accomplish this by doing the following:
- If you haven’t already and you actually enjoy reading my blog, can you subscribe? You can do this on the right side bar under my picture where it says “subscribe.” All you do is type in your email and you are good! You will simply get weekly notifications of my posts.
- Interact with me here, in the comments section. I can talk back and forth with you and also head on over to your blog too if you have one!
- Share my posts on Facebook or really wherever. Only if you thinks its shareable quality of course!
- I want your stories to be a part of writing Gideon’s story. Your children, your babies, your losses, your own Gideon moments, I want your stories in there too. Over time (trust me YOU have time, I am moving at a snail’s pace here) please leave your story (worded as you would like it included in my book proposal) in the comments section of any one of my posts. Title your comment “My Story:” Please include or don’t include names at your own discretion.
We all have our hot mess moments/days/weeks right? I think we do. I think all too often we seclude ourselves away from the rest of the “sane” world and cocoon ourselves. I know I did that, the week I skipped a post. I am thankful for friends and loved ones who don’t let us stay cocooned in for long. I am thankful for (as my dear friend Cammie calls them) “hugs from God” when He swoops in just in the knick of time to show us that He is paying attention.
Thank you for a space to love one another hot mess and all. And, if I disappear again, you’ll know why this time.