Even the thought itself sends shivers of inadequacy, humility, worry, shyness…
It’s just so… putting myself out there! Going after writing another book is, for me (figuratively speaking) like heading to a public place in my skivvies. It leaves me feeling like I have no security, no safety net, no protection. And, of course, I know none of that is true yet the nervousness remains.
Gideon’s story beats fast on my heart. Everyday I want to scream it to the mountain tops and lately I cannot kick the desire to write it down. I feel like it is really something I have to at least try to do and so 2016 it will be.
Why do I feel embarrassed to even write it down to you to tell you? Why is it, that with God I can feel secure, confident, and strong and then as soon as I open up the door to the outside world it’s like, “Whoa whoa, wait nevermind! Shut that door…I’m just going to go back inside?” I think I know, but it doesn’t solve the issue.
God accepts. People can reject.
God encourages. People can cast judgement.
God sees us through the lens of Christ. People see us through the lens of, well, of us.
God wants obedience. People want platform.
God wants honesty. People want security.
God never fails. People do.
I need prayer in this. I think we all do, but right now I am asking specifically that you pray for me to be bold. To not look and see the “people” (who are those “people” anyway? I’m not really sure but they’re there!) but instead to see solely the God who I serve and the calling that He has given to me. I pray to not look to my own capabilities or short comings, but instead to God’s grace and His goodness. I pray not to focus on the tangibles like platforms and numbers, but instead to focus on the work God did in us through Gideon and his little baby life. I pray for protection, because as I live and breath I know that fear will be a forefront temptation as I seek to pen a book about battling it.
Eek! Nevermind, after writing that last paragraph I change my mind again…nope…no book…too hard.
Too hard. Too hard? That sounds eerily familiar to me. Oh yup, that’s how I felt about carrying Gideon. That’s how I felt about having him. That’s how I felt and feel about losing him. That’s how I feel about having all these kiddos. Actually that’s how I felt about all the most precious things that God has brought into my life.
I remember these words from the eulogy I gave for Gideon:
“I will never forget the very first time I felt him kick. It was the night of Novemeber, 22nd, the night of his diagnosis. After that he never stopped kicking. Gideon’s heartbeat was strong, every single time I went to the doctor’s it was 135, 135, 135…
It was literally as if he was constantly saying to me “Mommy I’m strong, I’m little but I am strong…you be strong too.” And so we spent a lot of time wrestling with God over this. How can we possibly be strong? This hurts too much to be strong. We are too sad to be strong. We are too heartbroken to be strong.
But just like Gideon, our strength does not come from within. In fact just the opposite, it came from a place of weakness. Gideon, his name, his namesake in the Bible…none of it came from a place of actual strength. It came from a place of submission and a willingness to say “Okay God, this army before me its HUGE and they are of great physical strength. But because you are GOD and you are who you say you are I will charge forward with my tiny weak, small, frail, and fragile army of 300.“
May beautiful things come out of these ashes.
I pray the same for you this year. Can we be unafraid together? Unafraid to move boldly forward in whatever it is the Lord has whispered to you. Not just weak, wobbly steps forward (the ones I really feel capable of taking), the ones that bound forward simply because the God we serve is a big and powerful God. One that raises life from the grave and can change even this hardened and tainted heart of mine.
As I move forward in this process I am surely going to need help. Not just in prayer, but in stories, testimonials, ideas and partnership. You have been right alongside this journey with me. I treasure you all so dearly and you give me such encouragement and hope that I might just make it through this process.
Bounding forward we go! 2016 watch out, we are coming for you.