In 2016, a book maybe?

Even the thought itself sends shivers of inadequacy, humility, worry, shyness…

It’s just so… putting myself out there!  Going after writing another book is, for me (figuratively speaking) like heading to a public place in my skivvies.  It leaves me feeling like I have no security, no safety net, no protection.  And, of course, I know none of that is true yet the nervousness remains.

Gideon’s story beats fast on my heart.  Everyday I want to scream it to the mountain tops and lately I cannot kick the desire to write it down.  I feel like it is really something I have to at least try to do and so 2016 it will be.

Why do I feel embarrassed to even write it down to you to tell you?  Why is it, that with God I can feel secure, confident, and strong and then as soon as I open up the door to the outside world it’s like, “Whoa whoa, wait nevermind!  Shut that door…I’m just going to go back inside?”  I think I know, but it doesn’t solve the issue.

God accepts.  People can reject.

God encourages.  People can cast judgement.

God sees us through the lens of Christ.  People see us through the lens of, well, of us.

God wants obedience.  People want platform.

God wants honesty.  People want security.

God never fails.  People do.

I need prayer in this.  I think we all do, but right now I am asking specifically that you pray for me to be bold.  To not look and see the “people” (who are those “people” anyway?  I’m not really sure but they’re there!) but instead to see solely the God who I serve and the calling that He has given to me.  I pray to not look to my own capabilities or short comings, but instead to God’s grace and His goodness.  I pray not to focus on the tangibles like platforms and numbers, but instead to focus on the work God did in us through Gideon and his little baby life.   I pray for protection, because as I live and breath I know that fear will be a forefront temptation as I seek to pen a book about battling it.

Eek!  Nevermind, after writing that last paragraph I change my mind again…nope…no book…too hard.

Too hard.  Too hard?  That sounds eerily familiar to me.  Oh yup, that’s how I felt about carrying Gideon.  That’s how I felt about having him.  That’s how I felt and feel about losing him.  That’s how I feel about having all these kiddos.  Actually that’s how I felt about all the most precious things that God has brought into my life.

I remember these words from the eulogy I gave for Gideon:

“I will never forget the very first time I felt him kick.  It was the night of Novemeber, 22nd, the night of his diagnosis.  After that he never stopped kicking.  Gideon’s heartbeat was strong, every single time I went to the doctor’s it was 135, 135, 135…

It was literally as if he was constantly saying to me “Mommy I’m strong, I’m little but I am strong…you be strong too.”  And so we spent a lot of time wrestling with God over this.  How can we possibly be strong?  This hurts too much to be strong.  We are too sad to be strong.  We are too heartbroken to be strong.

But just like Gideon, our strength does not come from within.  In fact just the opposite, it came from a place of weakness.  Gideon, his name, his namesake in the Bible…none of it came from a place of actual strength.  It came from a place of submission and a willingness to say “Okay God, this army before me its HUGE and they are of great physical strength.  But because you are GOD and you are who you say you are I will charge forward with my tiny weak, small, frail, and fragile army of 300.

May beautiful things come out of these ashes.

I pray the same for you this year.  Can we be unafraid together?  Unafraid to move boldly forward in whatever it is the Lord has whispered to you.  Not just weak, wobbly steps forward (the ones I really feel capable of taking), the ones that bound forward simply because the God we serve is a big and powerful God.  One that raises life from the grave and can change even this hardened and tainted heart of mine.

As I move forward in this process I am surely going to need help.  Not just in prayer, but in stories, testimonials, ideas and partnership.  You have been right alongside this journey with me.  I treasure you all so dearly and you give me such encouragement and hope that I might just make it through this process.

Bounding forward we go!  2016 watch out, we are coming for you.

IMG_3210
We got this right kids??  Sure/not so sure, but here goes nothing 😉

 

9 thoughts on “In 2016, a book maybe?

  1. I am so excited to hear this news!! Do you know I have felt God calling me to do the same? Your post is the kick in the pants I needed. I feel it so clearly and then fall back due to all the lies of the enemy – your platform is not big enough – you don’t have enough words – people wouldn’t buy your work – etc. 🙂 Can’t wait to follow your progress!!

    1. Yay Brittnie you should
      Totally do it it! Where are you located?? Lysa has a writers conference in NC called She Speaks. You bring a book proposal and can meet wig publishers. Wanna go with me???

      1. I have heard of She Speaks! I have kept the idea in the back of my mind for several months now. I am in Houston, Texas. 🙂 Let’s keep talking about this idea!

        I am part of Lysa’s online writers community called Compel. I joined this past Fall of 2015 and have been watching the webinars and videos like crazy. 🙂

        Who published your first book? Did you obtain an agent or did you just send an unsolicited manuscript in to a publisher?

  2. Oh, my dear darling Granddaughter, I am so with you on this. I knew from the very first time you blogged about Gideon, that you had the beginning of your next book. It has practically written itself already!!!
    It only takes faith – faith in yourself, faith in the outcome, faith that God will see you through it, and who better than you to show us all how powerful faith is and how it can uphold you, even in the worst of times.
    So go for it Maria – as your Grandma agent, I will help you in any way I can. I am still promoting your last book and love to hand out copies to my friends. (I probably owe you a few bucks.)
    You know how much confidence we have in you and how much we respect and admire you, even when you can’t feel it in yourself. You owe this book to God, to Gideon, to your family and most of all to all those women and families who have or who will go through your Gideon experience. They are waiting with baited breath for someone like you to help them, to understand them and to give them courage, strength and validation of their feelings.
    I can’t wait to read the first proof – I love you dearly, Gram

    1. Thank you Gram, I am going to save this to look back on all the days that I wonder what am I doing? Or can I really do this? You always give me such love and encouragement, thank you. Love you so much.

  3. I’m praying for you Maria! I’m praying for courage, strength, perseverance, continued healing, and words. I’m praying that your words reach the mom’s and Dad’s out there who are feeling very alone in their situation. The one’s who need to hear how to be angry with God, but still follow him and to rely on His word and promises to never leave us or forsake us in our pain. I’m praying for Dave and for your kids, that they will have a special part to play in supporting you and loving you as you write, that they will remain under God’s protection, and that they would bring you joy on the day’s that sadness comes as you write. There is SO MUCH power in Gideon’s story (for all people!) I am personally so very thankful that you are putting it on paper, as it will be a gift for me to be able to share it with my family and friends.

    p.s. I’d love to see a few pages at the end of the book written by Dave “for daddy’s only” 🙂 A different perspective. A daddy’s perspective. Dad’s can sometimes feel all alone.

    1. Melissa, I am just reading this now and at just the perfect right time. Thank you for your prayer, your love, your support, and your part in Gideon’s life. I especially appreciated your recognizing that writing it all down is going to stir up the sadness and I love your idea about Dave piping in. I always appreciate your encouragement and love, now especially. Be blessed today friend!

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