So many whys and fears and cries and terrors and more fears and prayers and prayers and prayers and prayers and prayers because what…else…is there to do?
It doesn’t end. It just doesn’t end and it hurts. It hurts not only to see it all happen, but to have that nagging ever present thought, “What if next time its me?” To know that we are in this world, this greater world that we cannot change and has so much evil in it and yet we bring babies into it! To know that we are made for heaven and our souls draw us there but what is around us looks like a living hell.
And so we live in dance. As I toggled back and forth praying for all the pain and loss abroad and the suffering my good friends are still going through I couldn’t help but look at the immediate around me (my kids, my husband, my family, my friends) and feel abundantly and utterly happy.
We have had great days here in our crazy little place I call home. The kids are amazing, the baby is doing great, and my husband and I currently like each other on a high scale. Things in my own grip are at peace, at calm, at a blessing after the storm. But I didn’t even know how to look at them. How can I see and enjoy when so much hurt is going on around us? How can I even function through my own goodness when the badness is hitting so many loved ones and precious ones. How?
Truthfully I don’t know. I haven’t hit an answer yet. But what I do know is that its very defining of this life that we live. It is a song of bitter and sweet. Sad and happy. Lovely and horrible. Heaven and Hell. I guess I just have to accept that it is going to be both/and.
I learned something about myself a few years back, in my car the temperature knob is either way all the way to the max of the red hot heat or way all the way to the max of the blue cold air. Never, and I mean ever, did I use anything in between. It wasn’t until I was driving with a friend and she turned it to the middle did I even think about that ever being an applicable option. Case and point I think that is how I looked at life too.
My heart lived on the verge of collapse because I thought if anything bad ever happened to me I would literally die from the pain. That if someone got sick, tragedy hit, or hard times came that I wouldn’t make it through. Fear gripped me. I would lay awake at night fearing the far fall from all the way happy to all the way miserable. I could not comprehend an in between.
Ah but the power of God does exist and it has proven to me that God creates spaces in us we did not know that we had. I saw it in our family as we lost Gideon. I see it fully in Paul and Julia as they watch their precious son Titus fight leukemia. I see it in the families all over the world who somehow find it in themselves to still praise Jesus through it all. God proves himself to the weary, the brokenhearted, the suffering…He comes close and teaches that its okay to live in the middle. Not in fear, not in unrealistic and avoidant happiness, but instead in contentment knowing that yes we live in fa allen world but that YES we serve a God who has come and will come again. Yes a living hell does exist, but heaven on earth does too.
As I ponder these things I pray that I would not lay desperate in either extremes. Not desperately guilty enjoying sweet things though the world around me is hurting. Not desperately happy ignoring it all either. Just content knowing that both will come in this life. And there He will be in both instances, loving and blessing and being the good God that He is all the time and in it all.
So here it is a glimpse into my week…
Then there is this. I promise you I have watched this a thousand times laughing out loud, understandably since they are my kids, but for you you might just enjoy the first minuteish. And here’s to kids hating blogs by the the time they are teenagers!!