Sometimes the sadness just creeps up on you.
I never forget Gideon, he is always with me. Every day, every minute I carry a Gideon sized space in my heart that goes with me wherever I go. Most times its…okay. Its acceptance and its a precious memory and its a hope for what will be someday. Other times, it sadness. Its underlying missing him that peeks into every instance.
I’ve come to learn to try not to shy away from the hurt. When the hurt comes, when the sadness of missing him stays at the forefront of my mind…I sink deeper into it. Feeling the pain as deeply as I can. Playing all his songs, crying to his pictures and video. Its grief. Its active mourning. And I believe it is somehow very very good.
I do it all by myself by the way. And I think that is okay too. I think my husband will notice that I’m a little ‘off,’ but for the most part I continue through my days as I always would. It’s in the secret place, with me and God. That’s where I let myself hurt the most. There was a time when I thought maybe, ‘Am I just trying to pretend to be strong? Am I hiding so that others won’t see me?” The answer, I have found, is no and no. I simply feel most at home, most safe, spending time with my Heavenly Father. He has never let me down.
There is great blessing too, when your eyes are fixed on the pain that life has brought it offers a refocus. A jolt back into the reality of what is truly important.
I have a Thursday morning prayer class that I am teaching (and I have I yet to mention they are simply amazing?!). Last week we studied the verse Mark 11:23 “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.” I shared with them how this verse used to really bother me.
I believe the Bible to be 100% true and I believe in relying on it fully, but this whole doubting your heart thing used to really grip me. My doubt felt uncontrollable. Like there were things that, as I was praying for them, I could not help but feel doubt about. Then I would try and convince myself out of that doubt and then when I couldn’t do that I would feel guilt. What a horrible Christian I must be if I doubt!
But as I was praying through these verses God gently laid on my heart how my prayers went when I was pregnant with Gideon. I know that God has the power to throw mountains into the sea if He wants and I know that He has the power to create kidneys in a baby that has none. I also knew that I never felt fully called to spend my prayer time praying for kidney level healing for Gideon. In my heart I knew it was not to be in God’s plan for us and so I spent my time praying for all the other many things that I felt NO doubt about in my heart…
God send your angels when Gideon is born.
Father watch over him, give him peace as he passes through this life.
Lord be with my children in a way that I don’t know how to be, offering them comfort and strength through this painful time.
God, will you get me through this…very…next…minute.
These prayers flowed out without a shadow of a doubt. And fully answered they were all.
As I dwindled through my ‘missing Gideon something extra’ days, I began to remember the prayers I prayed when I was pregnant with Samuel.
When I was 12 weeks pregnant with Samuel, after an ultrasound, the doctor looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I see something very concerning here. I want you to know there is a very high percent chance that there is something not right with your baby.” I get a pit in my stomach just thinking back on it.
I walked out of that office, and in between my sobbing (down the same exact hallway where I found out about Gideon) I said “No!” No no no no no no no. Not again. Not this time. This time my prayers are NO! And without doubt in my heart I prayed for a healthy baby. A fully healthy baby. In between the peeking through of my humanness that said, “What if it doesn’t happen? What if you lose this one too?” There was belief, full belief that God can in fact throw that mountain into the sea, regardless of what doctors say.
I will tell you, at our 28 week ultrasound with Samuel as they checked out every little last detail that all was well with him, the doctor looked at me and said “You know, we don’t see many ultrasounds like that first one where the baby ends up being okay. You should feel very thankful.”
Thankful here I sit. For Gideon whom we don’t have and for Samuel who we do. For prayers of acceptance, when it’s not God’s plan for the mountain to move and for prayers of fervent boldness, when we know it is His plan that it will move.
I pray today if you are in a place where you have a mountain in front of you and deep down you know it’s not going anywhere. For you I pray powerfully for peace and hope, knowing the full realness of God’s presence.
I pray today for you who see a mountain in front of you and are wondering if you have the courage to tell it, in God’s name, to take hike. Do it!! Pray for that mountain to move and see first hand the power of a God who loves you.