I’m really not a crazy person. At least that’s what I tell myself. Each week I find myself wondering, “I wonder if they do think I am a crazy person? Wonder if I should have said that?” And week after week my fears are declined by some sort of interaction that goes something like this:
Sweet woman that I meet out and about: “I read what you wrote last week and I was like ‘sheesh’ I thought it was just me that felt like that/went through that/does that!”
I’m all like: “Phew!! I’m so glad you said that because I was wondering the same thing! You too then?? Good, then we have got…this…thing…covered. WE can make it right??”
Sweeter woman even still: “Yes! So don’t ever stop writing all about it!”
Whiiiiiiccchhhhh, brings me to this post. This day.
I have been full. Too full, to the top of the brim I am way too busy I am about to bust type full. Something has to give. Actually something always does give, but this time I wanted to try and choose it before it chose me. Laundry piled up, to do list out of control and minutes running out I got all frenzied. “I can’t do it all! Something has got to give.”
So I laid out my choices. I give them to you:
- Small part time side work I do from home at nights
- Bible study on prayer I am teaching on Thursday mornings
- Serving on the prayer team on Sundays
- My blog writing I do every Monday
- House cleaning (psych, this one can’t be on the ‘to cut list’ but oh how I wish that it could!)
There it lay, the only regular and optional activities I have in my life. I left off the list all the other one million unoptional things I have to do as well as any one-off or impromptu meetings. I shared it with my husband and (quite honestly) sadly prayed over them this week. Which one God? Which one needs to go.
See the thing is I didn’t want any of them to really go. I very specifically and intentionally put them in my life to begin with! How, why am I at this place now to need to give one of them up? How did I get to this frazzle dazzle lose my wits place every week? So alas here I am with you, pondering.
The logical Maria did a cost benefit analysis, looked like this:
- Can’t give up work, it’s too side notish and helpful to our family. (nix that off the cut list)
- Bible study is a temporary commitment and it makes me come alive to study with those women during those two hours. Those two hours are worth sacrificing for. (nix that off the cut list)
- Serving on the prayer team actually takes zero of my time during the week its only a sweet time 15 min after service. (nix that off the cut list)
- And…then…there…is………but nooooooo! I don’t want to! God is this seriously the only thing I can come up with? Giving up my writing? Do I need to give it up when I really don’t want to? Its my pouring out, my taking in, my giving headance to what God is doing in my life, its my Gideon revived passion, its my ‘met that awesome lady and she said I can never stop’. And so I was down to one.
Honestly I went all through the week thinking this was going to have to be my ‘I have no choice but to take some time off from writing’ post. I was dreading it. Then this happened…
What’s that, you say? What’s rest? Amen to that, I had forgotten too.
This weekend, I rested. I did only what was necessary to keep my children happy and healthy and everything else got pushed aside. If it was something stressful or something I did not enjoy doing I told it to ‘bug off and wait til Monday.’ No guilt. No over analysis. Just rest.
And you know what the awesome thing about God is…none of it was even on purpose. It wasn’t until today, looking back, that I realized…wowsers! Look at that, I like rested this weekend! No outings to the park to entertain, no million errands, no picking up this and that, no keeping up with the illusional need of constant entertainment. It just was and it was good and it was once again God reminding me, “You always think you know what to do don’t you? Your cute logical ideas always do entertain me! Aren’t my ways always better?” (that was my God voice, just in case you missed that part).
And so, I threw out the list. Sorry to say, you’re stuck with me awhile longer. Turns out I don’t need less of pouring myself out, I just need a little bit more of filling myself up first. I need rest and not in a lazy/selfish way, but in a ‘if I am going to go ape to the wall during the week then I need rest on the weekends’ way.
Afterall, some things are just worth resting for.