Something about having a baby after losing a baby has made me much more hermited than I was with my other kids. After my first was born I was trucking her around the mall at two weeks old. Afterall, I had…to…get…out…of…the…house! Same thing with my boys. Doctors said four weeks so I thought two weeks was a good compromise.
But now? With Samuel? In my house I sit. Hour after hour, day after day in our home I stay. Sure I have ventured over to both grandparents homes and allocated doctors appointments…but that’s it. Four weeks used to seem like an eternity to me, but this time it feels like a comfortable amount of time to slow down life and keep my baby in.
Historically stillness has not been easy for me. In the stillness and quiet places is where all my thinking happens and sometimes it is easier for me to busy and distract myself instead.
I’ve decided that, at least for me, there is a season for both. A season for busying, and scheduling, and doing doing doing and a season for sitting and soaking. What I want to make sure not to do is feel guilty in either.
That Mom guilt, woman guilt…it sneaks in at all the wrong times. Just when the joy starts to come guilt never seems to be far away. For me it sounds like this:
“Should I be getting out of the house with all the kids more? Is all this sitting okay? It feels okay, but probably I should be doing more?”
“Am I too busy? I’m probably too busy. I need to say no to more things and calm our schedule down. This is too stressful right?”
Can’t win. Either way I couldn’t win. Something always wasn’t right and I was always reaching for something other than what was going on. Gideon changed lots of things for us, and yet here is another example of how that sweet baby taught me to soak up whatever today is bringing. There is something challenging and sweet about sensing the guilt coming and fighting against it.
I want to not rush.
I want to resist despair over small things.
I want to fight to keep the joy.
I want to say “NO!” to Mommy guilt.
I want to be thankful in all things.
I want to sit fully in the season I am in.
So as I sit this final week, I remember that these days are few. I remember that whatever this day holds, I won’t get this one back. And I pray each day for the strength to fight for joy in the stillness.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God.”