Patient endurance. Its not just endurance, its more than just patience, and its the two together that have kept me on my knees all this past year and a half.
I remember distinctly sitting across from our counselor last year (while pregnant with Gideon) and talking about God’s mercy. It was my fervent prayer that His mercy would come soon and that it would involve as little patient endurance as possible. As I sit here today I find my prayers eerily similar and the counselor’s words echo back through my mind, “His mercy will come. It will always come, we just don’t know when. And that is what faith is, trusting that HIS when is better than ours.”
Even as I write, the words have a hard time settling in. Why is it that no matter how many times God proves He is faithful, do I still wrestle to fully trust? Why is it that no matter how many times I’ve looked back in awe of all He has done, do I still wonder why He is doing it this way instead of that way?
These last days of pregnancy are always long ones for me. I can remember back to each and every pregnancy and remember the last weeks trying me mentally and physically. I just so badly want the season of “spring” to come, and for me, that season includes holding my baby. Bring on labor pain, bring on pushing out big babies, bring on sleepless nights, bring on a full loss of independence but bring me out of this phase God please!
Samuel and Gideon have proved different, that is why my impatience baffles me a bit. Have I not seen, have I not heard that the days before the changing of times are precious ones? Hard ones, yes, but precious too. The count down to Gideon was full of savoring kicks and little baby punches like never before. Soaking in the happy faces of my innocent children, their faces before holding a baby brother they would soon say goodbye to. It was full of wondering if we were making the right choices of c-section on March 31st, only for God to confirm both through Gideon turning breach and starting labor the night before he came. In the waiting came so so many irreplaceable moments.
So why this time, so impatient again?
I think its because I am only human, and will continue to be so for awhile. A humanness that comes with glimmers of successes and litanies of failures, and I just have to keep on grasping for the grace to just be me amidst both. What this looks like for me, is attempting patient endurance not only in my circumstances…but also with myself. If I forget 50 times over what I already know to be true, I will simply keep bringing myself back to the truth that has gotten this family through the valley.
I also truly believe in the power of prayer, so if you find yourself praying for us it would mean the world to join us in these:
1. Patient endurance in these last 20 days (give or take???) of pregnancy.
2. For Samuel’s birth and arrival to have God’s fingerprints all over it.
3. For the peaceful and understandable grief and joy mixture that will come with bringing a baby boy into our lives after Gideon rocked our world.
4. For a season of “spring” to finally come after a long 18 months.
As a complete side note, in a mother’s desperation I both researched, found and scheduled a
“Labor Induction Massage” for June 16th. If you are like me you are surprised that such a thing actually exists. We will see! You will not see me complaining if it works 😉 Three cheers to Bellies and Babies for existing and three cheers for impatiently patiently enduring!