No qualms about it, all of our days are hard ones. I scroll through in my mind so many people that I know and all the battles we face everyday, and there is no way around it…its not easy. Infertility, sickness, discomfort, over stressing, missing loved ones, or even just the “is this really what my life is day in and day out” blues. No one has got it easy. I think sometimes, in our own circumstances, we have decided that some people do have it easy. But the human condition itself leaves me thinking that we are all in this daily grind together, each with our own little mini battles going on (none more or less significant than the other).
“Better out than in” is what they say right? So I had a “better out than in” talk with God last week. Venting it out. All the ugly details about finally letting myself put into words the way I would have written the story. The way I think it all should have gone and how it should continue to go. It only felt about half as good as I expected it to, but alas I felt I just needed to get it out. You know throwing out the big question…the WHY?
I saved my “why.” All through this past year of grief, trial and loss I never bothered with it. I knew its not a question possible to answer on this side of Heaven and so I opted out of it. “I’ll just skip the why’s,” I thought. I’ll just be strong and accept it all. And I did, for awhile…then…out of no where…I didn’t want to anymore.
So why? Why does it all have to be so hard? Why, life filled with so much pain and loss and defeat and stress? Why? Why can’t it all just go our way all the time? Why does a sweet family lose their two year old child in a car accident and then days later lose their 38 week old baby in utero too? Why not just let them keep one? Why? After trying and trying and trying does the Mommy battling infertility for 5 years miscarry their sweet child? Why? Why can’t it just be easier? Ah the so many whys. They came flooding out me onto the pages of my journal, prayer journals that have literally been “why” free for 12 years.
But if nothing else, if never for my whole entire life was I ever granted an answer to one single prayer prayed…when it came down to it Enough was still Enough for me. I choose forever.
Once upon a time, God provided the final blow to all the madness and if God never did another thing, this one act its enough. The hardness of living sometimes feels like a writhing. Literally a discomfort of wanting to get out of whatever we are in without being able to do it. A feeling of simply not belonging. Its because I don’t. And if nothing ever goes good or right for me for the rest of my days here I still get to frolic for the rest of forever.
I sit back and I think, when it all is over. When I’ve fought my last battle and gone through my last discomfort there it will be. My children, my husband hand in hand forever and ever and ever in perfect happiness and peace. No more tears for forever because Christ came to die for the very pain I questioned God over. Christ sent to come to die as the price for the sin of this world that causes all the pain and the death and the discomfort I hate so much. Its my hope in the middle of the whys and I will cling to it unashamedly. At the end of the day it gets me through everything from stubbed toes to fatal diagnoses to the fears of all the many other “what ifs.”
And so I confessed and asked God to forgive me for all my “whys” and as I read I wrote and I prayed and I prayed this verse over my life, the lives of my children and all those whom I love:
“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10
Righteous not because of anything I do or say (because surely as sure as the day is long this hormonal Mommy has had more weak moments than one can accurately count), but because enough was enough when Christ came to die so that I might live.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20