It’s not easy, sometimes, to bring myself back to those days. The days, last year, when everything (though hard) was crystal clear. Even now, 6 months pregnant with Baby Samuel, I look back and wonder “How on earth did I do that?” Every time I step foot into public the questions come by the drolls “When are you due?” “What are you having?” “What number is this for you?” Each question brings me back to last year, remembering how hard I tried to bite my lip, answer the questions, and then utterly lose it in the car. Yes its true, God gave me strength endurance during those days that even for me now is hard to believe.
I am so thankful I kept track. I am so thankful I wrote things down. On the days that I doubt, on the days I wonder if its all really going to be okay…I go back and read the supernatural presence God provided to me and my family during those days. I look back to remind myself whats really important in this life and to press on, encouraged, at how mighty God truly is.
Below, I reflect back on those days reading first hand what it was like. But its amazing how perfectly God has been tying in these days to those days. This past Sunday the worship team, of course, played “Oceans” by Hillsong and earlier this week my husband found this video that most perfectly articulates times like these (make sure to watch until the part when John Piper speaks, its the best part in my opinion):
I Never Want to Forget (Posted March 18th 2014):
Two weeks. I literally cannot believe it. I never thought I would be here. I never thought these days would come, yet here I am awaiting the days to say hello and goodbye to my sweet fourth child.
If you would have told me in November that come March 18th I would still be pregnant with Gideon I think I would have vomited in disbelief and fear. Every bit of me wanted to shortcut this pain and I never thought I could make it this far. Now, as these days of carrying Gideon are drawing to an end, I cannot imagine life any different. My sweet unborn baby has been used by God to show me so many things and he has given me so many gifts. Its these that I pray I never lose sight of.
I never want to forget Gideon’s precious kicks and how gradually, over time, I went from dreading them to savoring them. After the diagnosis Gideon’s kicks reminded me of loss and death, little reminders of what I was not going to have. But now I savor every one of those kicks and I am thankful that God used these past months to change my perspective. The pain of losing Gideon now feels trumped by the joy he has brought to me and my family. How amazingly God has used his little life, and the shortness of it, to bring gifts to so many. His kicks remind me of that.
I never want to forget how to focus, each day, on what is truly important. During this season of pain and sadness I kind of forgot what it feels like to worry, fear, or stress out about the mundane. None of it mattered anymore. How could it? All the things that I used to lose sleep over, get impatient about, or frustrated over no longer seemed of any importance. My life became narrowly focused on crying out each moment for God’s strength and appreciating my husband and children. Even seemingly big things like finances, job interviews, and hitting the house with our car (yes it was me, I am unashamed) got immediately shoved into their places…in the grand scheme of things is it really that important? Not now anyway and I pray not ever again. Gideon showed me, without a shadow of a doubt, what is truly important during the minutes we’ve been given on this earth.
I never want to forget how to cling to God’s promises for dear life. So many mornings, when I felt like I couldn’t go on, I would open God’s word and just pray for something, anything to help me take one more step forward. God’s word came alive and became real. Time and time again His promises were the only thing I had left and they never let me down. This time also proved to me that His promises are real and true. Will He come through like the Bible says He will? Is it true that He is a stronghold in times of trouble? Is it true that He will never leave me or forsake me? Can He really work all for the good for those who love Him? Can you God? Will you? Yes. Yes! and Yes.
“Why do I put myself in jeopardy
and take my life in my hands?
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
Indeed, this will turn out for my deliverance,
for no godless person would dare come before him!”