March 1st hit me hard. I think I woke up with tears in my eyes that morning, and sometimes there is just no sugar coating. I dug around my heart a little to find out if there were any layers to my tears. Any underlying, deeper reasons for my crying…I couldn’t find not a one. I simply miss my boy. Its just pain from loss, and its not “okay” in the fact that its “okay” to lose a baby but it is okay because pain and tears are usually what come when sad things happen in life. That’s just it. Simply put, this month I am just really missing my Gideon.
Sunday at church of course they played In Christ Alone, which I posted about last year here in A Miracle 2:00am Phone Call, but basically there is a line in the song that gets me every time…
From life’s first cry to final death.
All encapsulated one sentence should not be able to sum up a person’s life, but for Gideon and babies like him the line of this song is all that at the same time. One moment that brings your child in and the next moment that brings him out, and so March began with the stark reminder that yes, it hurts to lose someone you love.
But my goodness, this God of ours, He’s is gracious and He knew I was going to need Him this month (not that I don’t always need Him but in all honesty my neediness level does ebb and flow) and He showed up many times throughout the course of that day and I know He is going to continue to do so.
Later that night Dave and I headed to a concert, one of our favorite artists Chris Tomlin. In the middle of the concert, Chris did a question and answer with the audience. Comical questions came and went and it was, if nothing else, entertaining to listen to his stories. Then came the question, the question that nearly knocked me off my chair. Chris Tomlin reads, “Chris, this time two years ago we lost our newborn baby. At the funeral we played your song Sovereign… would you play it for us now?” These are the lights that filled the stadium…
Though the tears flowed heavy and the chest sobs beat, I was thankful so thankful for a God who gifts us with sweet moments. Moments to remember that He knows our hurt. Moments to remember my son. Moments to sit and hurt, because sitting and hurting brings just a tiny bit of healing. Moments to realize how unalone I am, and how so many of us suffer through our days in hurt. Moments to remember how intimately God knows me. Moments to thank God that Gideon might not be here, but he is far from being dead.
There is no sugar coating going on here. My seven year old daughter said it best, “When I think of Gideon I feel a little bit of happy and a little bit of sad.” And so that is what our days look like right now, we waiver from skipping through Party City to re-blingafy Gideon’s gravesite to fighting over who gets to sleep with Gideon Bear (Mommy included).
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,” Ecclesiastes 3:1&4 And can I get an “Amen” to going through these seasons all in one day?? Amen to that. Bring on the dancing and the crying, all at the same time.
As I was speaking to a group of girls talking about life the other day, some had hit tragedy and loss in the past years of their lives and asked me pointed and bold questions. The fun ones like “Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?” or “How can I trust God if He didn’t answer my prayers?” In the past, I used to attempt to answer these types of questions and wrap them up with pretty pink bows. Because surely there is always a way to wrap everything up in good right? Wrong. And as I sat there, heaviness in the room pounding, I had no eloquent answers or offerings. No pretty pink bows this time, only tear soaked blue ones. What I do know, what I can offer, is that through the sadness God sends us new songs when we need them. The pain and the tears of this life come, and if you know someone who is hurting I pray that you run to them. Not away from them but toward them, not offering pink bows or wisdom just love, hugs, and friendship.
If its you, if you are the one in the hurt and in the pain, I would love the chance to hear your story and just be a listening ear. You can reach me at email@example.com. Also, I pray this prayer and sing this song for you:
This month we are celebrating the life of Gideon in many ways and we would love for you to join us. All of the details can be found here: As Gideon’s Birthday Approaches