Sometimes I get paranoid in my peace. I go off on some deep pyschobabble in my brain and decide that I am just living in denial. The mental temptation to minimalize what I know God has done and replace it with what “Google” tells me and what “they” tell me. Its like, “Wait, did that really happen? Is it really that powerful and amazing?”
I remember specifically the days before Gideons 18 week ultrasound. I skipped the kids to our yearly photo shoot tradition with my sister in law, got ice cream after, and laughingly considered the gender odds. I sat nostalgic, thinking that that would be my last pregnancy. That I would be walking into my last 18 week ultrasound. I sighed relief as I had finally gotten through morning sickness and literally raised my hands to God and thanked him that “I would never have to do that again!” I was blissful, naive, and so unaware of the Mack truck that was about to hit me.
Funny thing is, these past couple of days have been just as joyful and blissful. I no longer carry the naive part, I know full well that I cannot pretend to know the future. A Mack truck can come again, it can come in the next minute or on Thursday during our 18 week ultrasound with Samuel or in 2 decades when my children are having 18 week ultrasounds (Lord help me, yes I have already considered those days). But peace, and true deep down joy, doesn’t have to be based on the confidence I have that tomorrow everything will be okay. For me, right now, its based on the fact that today is a day I have to be thankful for and I refuse to worry until I have something to worry about. Today, at this moment, I see no Mack truck…and I’m not going to let my imagination put one there either.
I continue to believe that seasons of life are a sweet blessing from God. Days and moments, they ebb and flow, and in each one God gives us different things to hold to if we look for them. John 14:27 is seared into my heart. Yes the tattoo may still be on its way (sorry PopPop it is happening), but its permanence is already there. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” In the thick of losing Gideon, in the days of crippling pain…the peace part of that verse gave me strength to continue. The truth of peace is literally the only thing that got me out of bed.
Today my soul is fixated on “I do not give to you as the world gives…” In this season it is to that truth that I cling. Make no mistake, God gives to us…it however does not resemble anything that this world even recognizes as being real. It doesn’t match up with medical studies or magazines. It does not jive with statistics or news stories. It does not resemble any provable theories or “oh I saw that on Facebook the other day.” It looks like none of that. And so yes, the temptation is there to think that you might be crazy. To feel odd, or unwise, or anti-cultural for believing so firmly in something that has been given to you that cannot be seen. Believe it! For He does not give as the world gives. Be confident in that.
That is what I am reminding myself on this day. That I need not answer to anyone or anything in this world (not even my brain trickery), that if I find it in God’s word and my heart and soul know it to be true…then that is the only proof I need. His gifts are richest when we allow ourselves to believe fully in them.
There is one place, however, in this world where I can find gifts such as these. Its in the stories of other sweet brothers and sisters. Who, through decades and centuries have read the same truths that we read and have experienced the same fruit. Its through the lives of those around me who radiate the love of Christ and their love for Him. I see in them the same things I question sometimes in myself and it gives me hope. Precious, real, and immovable hope.
So today, though two days away from another 18 week ultrasound…though in a place I never thought I would be…though bearing down through days where Gideon’s precious face permeates most of my thoughts…I will not let my heart be troubled, and I will not be afraid.