It, quite literally, feels like ground hog day around here. I find myself eerily living through life exactly the way I did last year. Pregnant, over Thanksgiving, and waiting for a confirming ultrasound. Honestly all of it has me spinning circles.
First off, I cannot stop thinking of Gideon. Every utterance of a thought or an idea about a baby only leads me back to him. “He needs to last longer…” I keep on telling myself, as if a new pregnancy makes him feel further away. Was I ready? I don’t ask myself those questions because I was and still am ready to trust God in those details. The whens and hows and whys of life going on are truly His anyhow and anything else I decided only pushed me farther from that truth. So, was I ready to be pregnant again? Maybe not. But some things I think you are never truly ready for.
I want so badly to feel excited. So badly. I want my heart to jump like it used to. I want my child like giggles to come as I fall asleep dreaming of what my baby could be like. I want to eagerly plan fun and creative ways to tell our children “Mommy is pregnant!” I want so badly to, but I just can’t. Or maybe I just won’t. Either way, I miss the naive bliss that came with thinking that everything is always going to be fine. So, which is better? To live overly excited and then blasted with a brick wall when life doesn’t go the way you planned or live numb never really getting attached to any one emotion? To tell you the truth, I’ve been going back and forth between the two, trying to figure out where faith lies in between the two.
Its as if my spirit and my emotions have detached themselves from one another. No, fear does not enter. I fall asleep peaceful knowing that even if I lose this child too I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God will be there to minister to my family once more. I trust God and I trust God’s plan, even in worst. At the same time my emotions don’t necessarily play along and I sit, not really feeling one way or another, tired and cranky from morning sickness. I found the source of God’s true peace, it comes in abundance when we need it most. Now I am on a hunt to find God’s true joy. Now where to find that…
A joy not attached to circumstances or feelings. A joy not dependent upon ultrasound news. A joy that overflows because there is always something praiseworthy, every day has something. I tell you, I have not found it yet, but I have hope in my search and I promise to tell you when I do.
Today I find hope in remembering that God is not done with me yet. That there is more to come…”being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” Philippians 1:6. God began something in me the day His Story brought me to my knees August 3rd 2002. He continued that work deeper than I ever could have imagined March 31st 2013, the day Gideon brought heaven to earth. And now, though I know nothing about my tomorrow, I am confident that He is not finished with me yet. This is the only version of tomorrow that brings me peace to hone in on.
Monday at 10:15 we have an ultrasound. At 11 weeks pregnant they will be able to scan baby Furlough #5 to check for kidneys, bladder, renal arteries, and all other anatomy. I will walk into the same office I did last year after Thanksgiving, probably sit with the same doctor, and my gracious my heart cannot wrap itself around anything else but hearing the same news as we did last year. But even if, even so…for today I am thankful for today. For today I have a little life inside me, today I have three earthly children and one heaven bound, and a sweet precious husband who brought me a card for the anniversary of when we met. For today I will be thankful. I guess there is a little hint of that joy after all.
Today, thankful. Next week, ultrasound. Here we go.