“I just can’t find you Lord.
You feel distant, a whisper in the wind when I feel like I need an up close, load, and strong lion.
I am wearied from this sadness and journey…yet I know you continue to call me to trust in you.
Each minute feels like an hour and each day feel likes a year. How am I going to make it through this?…
I am begging.
I feel like I am desperate for more miracles and right now.
Desperate in a way that I feel as though I will stop breathing, stop living without them.
I will wait for you Lord.
I will wait here for you, but know that your child is hurting and I just want to know you are here.”
On January 24th these are the words I prayed as I wept them into my prayer journal. I needed a miracle. Not a give sight to a blind man or raise a life from the dead miracle…but a I need something just to pick myself up off of this floor type miracle.
Before I had been through the worst, I had often wondered how exactly God can help during those times. As a result of not being able to define it or put my finger on it, I feared. I feared the worst of times because though I believed that God would be there I couldn’t understand how. Honestly fear became a form of disbelief. Disbelief that God is who He promises to be.
As I sat there and prayer, out of the whisper came these words to me…”
“My sweet Maria, in he whispers of your soul I am here.
Do not be afraid to listen, to hear me, and to believe. I will not let you down.
Though the circumstances of this life and the hardness of your days tempt you into thinking I don’t love you…you know that I do.
I have promised I will be there for you. And I will.
I have promised you I will never leave you or forsake you. And I won’t.
I love Gideon Maria.
Oh how I love him and how I desire great things for my children. His life, Maria, is not sad…it is eternal.
Your baby Maria, your precious Gideon, he is helping me to make all things new in you.
He is my worker, my precious child that I have chosen to bring you through this. Maria this is what life truly is. It is not of this world, it is not of these days, it is not in the pleasures or distractions you experience here.
It is with ME.
Only with Me.
Come you who are wearied and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Even in your sorrow and even in your grief and sadness and loss…come to me and rest.
Give it to me and know that even the greatest of losses cannot surpass the glory that will be yours someday in my Heaven.
Where you and all of your children with play and laugh all…day…long.
With me, forever.”
So, can God be trusted in the worst? What can He actually do that will make any difference? In the pain, in the loss, in the sorrow, and the tragedy in this world…can we trust God even then?
Yes. Even then, actually it is mostly then when God reveals sides of Himself to us that we have never seen before. His presence, His Holy Spirit wells up in power and in strength and he soothes the aching soul. He gives us, in each day, what we need to survive and He hears and answers the pleas of our hearts.
If this is true, if God can be bigger than the worst. If He comes blazing in to answer the cries of those who ASK Him to come and HELP…If this is true…what then do we have to fear?
In Lamentations the Israelites saw the desolation of their entire city. Once bustling with laughter and joy, now laid entirely taken over, defeated, pillaged, destroyed. Everything was taken from them and sorrow and grief lived thick like smoke in the lives of all who survived. Lamentations 3:19-25 says this:
“I remember my affliction and my wandering,
The bitterness and the gall.
I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.’
The Lord is good to those whom hope is in him, the one who seeks him.”
Is there pain, loss, failure, and sadness in this world?
For those whom hope is in God and who seek Him, do we have to fear any of it?
How do you know?
Because many people (including me), who have gone before…who have suffered loss and pain unimaginable…for those whom call of the name of the Lord in their time of despair they are not consumed. And JOY comes in each morning.
What then, shall we have to fear?