It has started happening again, and I promised myself I wouldn’t let it. All the old stresses and lies creeping back in. The stresses of my house is not clean, my kids are not clean, my schedule is a packed mess and so is my brain type stresses! I knew this would happen. Its why I wrote this post: I Never Want to Forget… But now, being in it again, its not as easy as I thought it would be to turn off all the crazy and hone in on what is most important.
Today I found myself in my kitchen, frantically cleaning and packing lunches in between the 9:00 am dropoff, the 11:30 am Gymboree Class, and the 1:00 pm pickup (seriously, like already??) and I just…had…to…stop. My brain has been whirling lately and 90% of it has been downcast thinking. The wah wah wah’s of all that is bad about me, my days, and my current state of crazy. Its a mindset I am familiar with, but honestly it hasn’t flared up again since Gideon. Gideon changed things, and now here I am changing back?? No. I can’t. I won’t. But what can I do.
For me its praying and singing praises. When my mind gets full of lies and my days gets full of scheduling, its easy to get into the routine of giving into the first thought that pops in my mind, whether its good, bad, or ugly. Sometimes I need to just stop. Stop. And while stopping not filling that space either. Not even running to my journal, or writing, or reading, or studying…not even those very good things. Just stopping and letting words escape my mouth on an over to over basis.
This morning it was these:
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
I can see you now
I can see the love in your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
Bringing up the broken to life. Bringing me up, from broken to life. That is what He did in me before and I know He can do it again. Yes even the mundane small issue of my today.
My husband said something very wise in response to my blog post last week. He said, “You know what is really awesome? Is that God meets you in the exact moment and in the exact way that you need it. And it won’t be the same for us as it is for someone else. God meets us each according to what is going on in our own lives. He knows us.” Dave is so right.
At one point I used to hesitate in writing, in blogging, in sharing because I was afraid of people either criticizing or praising me. I was afraid of the criticism for obvious reasons, but I was afraid of the praise because I know if I do anything at all that is praiseworthy it is not mine to take credit for. And if God has done something amazing in us, in our family, in our lives, and in our loss it is not something to copy and paste…its something to bring attention to how amazingly strong, powerful and good God is.
And so today, it was me in my kitchen, dropped bread at my heels that I was about to put away, my cute 2 year old looking at me like I was a mad woman, and singing at the top of my lungs because that is what I needed to get the junk out of my head. It might look different for you. In fact I pray that it does. But I believe God wants to meet you in your kitchen too. Or bedroom, or office, or the horrific carpool line, or classroom, or dorm room and give you too a stop dead in your tracks think on the God of this universe moment.
This weekend I went to a Mother Daughter retreat with my very good friend Greta and her daughter Joyner. I was out of my skin excited to spend such time with my daughter Faith and to go to a place where she too could have a meeting with God moment. She was a joyful ball of contagious excitement and I wanted to live in every moment with her for forever. At one point she even looked at me and said “this is great!” And it was, it was a memory with her I will treasure forever.
But I hadn’t tackled my brain crazy before I left for it, and at times I found that my mind was simply going through the motions. See that’s the thing, I’m not sure if its both men and women…you can holla at me and let me know what you think about that…but I somehow have the ability to be both entirely present in mind and body in one place and totally still off in lala land burdened by something at the very same time. I was there with my daughter, with my friends, having a blast and so thankful for that time but the lies of life were still swirling and they needed more attention then just me keep pushing them aside. Pretending they weren’t there at all.
I needed to stop. To stop fully and wholly and hone in. And I don’t know about you but for me I need to battle bad thinking out of my mind until it finally leaves. This was the verse I kept reminding myself of, “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5
Divine power, is right. Strongholds, is right. Having to literally weapon away thoughts that crumble my spirit, that…is…right. For clarification purposes I will confess that in the midst of the stress my brain decided to convince me that I am a pretty crappy person, that my decisions are horrific, and that every large to small regular life hiccup that our family experiences was somehow traceable back to me. I shouldn’t write, I shouldn’t teach, I shouldn’t do anything but sit on my couch and feel bad for the people who have to know me. Please I’m not telling you this to feel bad, not at all. I am being honest with you in hopes that maybe, just maybe, you might think like this too sometimes and realize that you are not alone.
Do you need to stop dead in your tracks for a minute today too? If you do, I am praying for you. That God will meet you in the perfect time, place, and way to show you that He is there and that he wants to bring your broken to life.
If you haven’t been able to tell already, I’m mildly/very obsessed with Hillsong United and they sing the Amazing Grace version I was embarrassingly belting in my kitchen called Broken Vessels. Here it is, its another good one.