The Non-Decision

Its weird, I know its weird and TMI so I apologize in advance…but I know the date Gideon was conceived.  It was my birthday last year, August 3rd 2013.  Its another little kicker.  I haven’t the foggiest clue the day, week, or hardly month my other children were conceived in.  But of course, because the medical chart always clearly stated my birthday, it stuck in my head.

I wasn’t sad on my birthday.  I celebrated and laughed thankfully with my husband and children.  Ate some yummy funfetti cake too.  In the back of my mind though I kept creeping back to last year.  How different it was, how different I was.

This was probably my favorite place we went to last week.  I love looking out on oceans, any oceans...they remind me of how small I am and how vast God is.  Muir Beach California.
This was probably my favorite place we went to last week. I love looking out on oceans, any oceans…they remind me of how small I am and how vast God is. Muir Beach California.  Being able to celebrate, laugh, and live with my husband for a week was a blessing beyond compare.

Planning for the future of our family used to be a very extensive process for us.  We would break out white boards, chalk boards, excel sheets, calculators and calendars and get to planning!  Okay if we try to have a baby during the front half of this year then I can avoid being pregnant in the summer, the morning sickness will be gone by Christmas, and we will finally get the spring birthdayed baby we had always wanted.  That sounds good, yup good plan ready…set…go!

Sure I prayed about it.  I always prayed for God to bless my plans.  I figured God gave me a brain and excel spreadsheets so why wouldn’t I?  And trust me, I am not condemning this method, I just know my own heart well enough to know that for me it was a complete disregard for God’s plans over my own.  I always mouthed the words “I trust you God,” but my decisions hardly ever reflected it.

So here we are now.  The doctor has given me medical clearance for our family to plan again.  We have the green light to decide to try or not to try for another child.  Many of you have asked me, others I am sure are wondering, so I feel comfortable sharing with you.  We have decided…not to decide at all.

No trying.  No preventing.  Just living.  Our decision is to try and focus less on what tomorrow will bring and more on what today has in store.  This non-decision has changed our prayer lives and has transformed our fears.  It has given us freedom from worry and a reveling in today.  Its a decision, however, that last’s years Maria was incapable of making.

Part of me wants to regret.  To wish that I had learned earlier on what it looks like to give up control and not rely so much on analysis, reason, and personal preferences.  Instead I am going to try to be thankful that I arrived at this place at all.  Thankful even wayward planning can lead to blessings.  Afterall, Faith, David, Aaron, and Gideon were the result of all those plans (well not Aaron but that is a different story for a different day).  You see for me, it was not the planning itself that was harmful, it was all the fear, worry, and stress that I allowed in when my plans seemed to be even a little bit derailed.

Tomorrow yes, its full of potential and hope of dreams come true.  I have that deep down Mommy desire to hold a baby again, kiss them to sleep, and take in big deep breaths of that sweet baby smell.  But the safest place for me to put that desire is in God’s hands and there it will stay.

I am often so thankful for you.  Honored that you follow in this journey with me and humbled that even one word would bless you.  I pray for you today, that maybe any decision you are facing today could become a non-decision.  I pray that you too would find the peace and respite that comes with relinquishing all final outcomes to a Heavenly Father and Savior who loves you very much.

sanfranbaysunset

 

 

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