Saving My Sad

I talk to myself, and I mean a lot.  Not like out loud, but there are major inner monologues that go on in my head.  I go back and forth with myself until we/I figure it out.  (doesn’t sound crazy at all right??)  Anyway, under usual circumstances even my strongest inner voice cannot hold a candle to my emotions.  Once those tears, frustrations, stresses, sadnesses, angers come flowing there used to not be anything that could stop them.  Well, that’s how it used to be.

I never considered myself a huge crier, but the occasional tears used to hit me every so often.  Most of the time they ensued from an extremely stressful day with the kids, a disagreement with Dave, or the dress that used to fit but didn’t anymore.  Stress tears, frustration tears, disappoint tears…cold tears.  They were the top layer tears.  The only tears I knew.  The only tears I thought there were.  The only tears really that my eyes, my heart, had ever experienced.

Then came November 22nd.  Then came the diagnosis news that I would soon lose a baby.  Then came the realty of loss and death.  Those?  Now those were tears.  Tears that shook my whole body deep from a place that I did not even know existed.  They were hot tears (I didn’t even know that tears have temperatures but they do).  Sadness came.  Real sadness.  Sadness that deserved tears.  Sadness that needed tears.

Often I hear people talk about the shortest verse in the Bible.  John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”  They debate, talk about, and give thought to why Jesus was crying.  Why did these two words deserve to be its own verse when many other verses contain multiple sentences?  I know why Jesus wept.  I know why he wanted to make sure we knew he was crying.  I don’t believe it was because Lazarus himself had died, after all Jesus was about to give him a big huge hug after raising him from the dead.  I don’t believe it was because he had to pull Lazarus out of Heaven, after all Lazarus would be back there soon enough.  I know why he wept, it was for me.  For you.  For all our shed tears from the painful losses that come in this life.

Jesus stood in front of that tomb.  Yes it was a tomb he was about to make new.  And YES Jesus came so that death would lose its sting.  That death would ultimately be defeated by his sacrifice.  But that tomb still represented the pain of death that life brings.  That in this life the children, whom he loves, will know the deep penetrating pain that comes with losing someone we love.  That even though He could save us from eternal death, he could not take away the death of this life and that is sad.  Its just sad.  So he wept.  He wept because He knew I would lose Gideon.  He wept because He knew the deep sadness it was cause me.  He wept because He loves.

Iwillcarryyou
Photo by Dawn at http://photographybychanda.com/team/dawn/

I don’t regret my old tears.  I only knew what I knew.  But I do wish that I had saved my sad for a time when I would actually need it.  Gideon’s life washed over me, and the tears that used to penetrate now simply roll off.  My inner monologue talks them right out of my eyes.  I still have stressful days with the kids.  I still have disagreements with Dave.  There are plenty of clothes in my closet that do not fit anymore.  But those things aren’t really sad afterall.  I now know what real sad feels like.

Honestly, its a tough debate.  I don’t wish this type of loss on anyone.  I would pray that never again would I meet anyone that would love and lose and cry and sob and ache.  But there is a realization that comes with the pain that I pray could be received without the sting of loss.  I’ve thought about it before and my inner brain talking sounds like this, “I wish I could show them!  I wish they could know how good and strong and faithful our God is!  I wish that most days, all days could be steeped in joy and thankfulness, even the ones full of stresses and disappointments.  I wish all could gather the good that came from Gideon without having to experience the loss for themselves…

But so many of these changes only come out of the pain…

For me the only changes came (finally came) in the middle of the fire…

God burned away the importance of my old tears…

He refined away all the caring I used to do over things that truly didn’t matter…

I pray those changes can come for you too, but Lord can you do it without the pain?

Maybe God, could you do it without the fire this time?  For them?  Please?”

I don’t know if God will answer my prayer, but I want you to know that I pray it often.  That maybe just maybe one person’s fire could do some refining for someone else.  I am not sure if its at all possible, but we can try right?

Save those tears.  Don’t give those deep, soulful drops of water to the things of this life that don’t need them.  Far too many things do.

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