Little whispers have gotten me through many a days. Just a soft awareness within my heart that God is with me, and yes, He cares. He cares very much. The story of the Gideon Blue started with one of those whispers.
It all started shortly after Gideon’s diagnosis. I felt like I had a second chance to do things as best I could. To get him outfits, blankets, hats, a teddy bear…all the usual things a Mom wants to get for her baby. Under normal circumstances most purchases go with the theme of the nursery. A special pattern or color scheme that Mommy plans out especially for her child. For us, for Gideon, he wouldn’t have all that but I still wanted to “decide” what his color would be.
The first opportunity for decision came when my sweet friend Jennifer (the one who called in the middle of the night to share her story) offered to buy an outfit and blankets for Gideon. I enthusiastically took her up on the offer since shopping for baby things was so so hard still. But I still had to decide…what would his color be? For my first son I chose light orange and green, my second son browns, and Gideon? Only one color stood out in my mind Blue.
I know for most this seems like the obvious choice. Blue, duh, he is a boy afterall. But this Mommy has always shied away from blues. We all have our color preferences and blue just never seemed to be mine. But blue it was.
It was a small start, but God took that small choice and ran with it. Such a small choice, something as simple as a color now rocks my world. Everytime I see, wear, or catch a glimpse of that Blue I feel like a piece of my son is still with me. Its Gideons blue and it is a gift to this Momma’s aching heart.
I find it so endearing that My Heavenly Father knows what small things will help in grieving a loss. It makes me feel loved to know that He would put in place this small blue thread that ties Gideon’s story together and ties his heart always to mine. It gives me something tangible to touch, to hold onto, and to see when I feel like all is lost.
To you it might just be a color, but to me its a bright and bold reminder of the fact that God is faithful. That God is good. That God is peace.
The other day I went into Pandora to re-size the bracelet my parents gave to me for Mother’s Day. As I was in there I saw a line of beads, each color carrying its own meaning. What was blue, you might ask? Why peace of course.
As each days moves by the moments get easier and more difficult all at the same time. Easier because there are more minutes in between the crying, but harder because the seemingly smaller stresses of life are creeping back in. “Noo!” my brain screams! Stay away! I prefer my sadness, and my weeping, and my broken heart over the feeling of failure that comes over letting the tiny things get to me again. The tiny things that I haven’t had the luxury to care about for the past five months. The small things make me feel like Gideon is getting farther away.
But he is here with me, and so is God’s peace that he taught me to receive and truly believe in. I am so thankful for all my many visual reminders of that truth. So when you see my Gideon Blue while you are out and about, remember the peace that is always ours…even in the middle of the hard, the easy, or the downright insignificant stresses of this life that the world constantly offers, its there. Peace.
“Peace I leave with you. My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27