It has been really hard for me to write lately. Everytime I would try, everything just sounded so sad. But over and over again I kept thinking “this can’t be it.” This can’t just be the way it is going to be from now on…there has to be more to grief than sadness. There just has to be.
I kept on reading it over and over again, “Time heals all wounds.” “It just takes time.” Time? Time?!? Thats it?? Time and I are not really on the best of terms right now and so hearing that all I needed was “time” sounded like a jail sentence to me. Only if I do my “time” then this pain and sorrow will get better? Its not that I want to rush through this, I don’t. I know that my tears help me work through losing my baby boy. I just feel like God is bigger than just time and that there has to be more to healing than just passing through the days.
Afterall, what if I don’t have time? What if I needed healing today? Not tomorrow, but today…then what? That is what I have been wrestling with over the past few weeks. Not only how to survive with the deep sorrow of longing for my son, but how to actually live with the sorrow. Not only to cry out to God with my pain and tears, but to receive from Him healing in my today.
Last week I went to visit Gideon’s gravesite for the first time. As I sat there I cried, I talked to him, and I told him how much I missed him and loved him. It was a beautiful moment for me. The sky was gorgeous, the sun was shining, and the wind gently blew around me…I felt him there with me. For some reason in that moment I realized the reason why my pain was so deep. I realized why I hurt so much and why the tears so often came flooding. It is all out of love. Its all because of how much I love my son…its because of love. But love it such a good thing. Surely a love this powerful can heal. I believe it can, and I believe it started to heal my todays.
I may be sad, sadder than I have ever been in my life, but I still have love. Deep love. Yes, love for my son whom I lost, but love also for the people I have not. Though I cannot touch Gideon any longer, I know he is safe and happy and healthy and laughing in the arms of our Heavenly Father. But the rest of us are still down here, on this earth that is unpredictable and painful at times. We need this love and I know for sure my husband and children do. I still have love to give, and everytime I do a little more of my broken heart heals over.
No, I am not healed permanently of the pain of my loss, but there is healing to be found everyday…
Healing comes in the form of knowing God’s love is real even when I cannot feel it.
Healing comes in the form of stopping life to love on my children with the same love that motivates my tears.
Healing comes in form of praising God for any moment of joy.
Healing comes in the form of unashamedly simplifying my days.
Healing comes in the form of trusting the God who guided me here, even if its just to know He is holding me when I cry.
Peace has been a huge theme of Gideon’s life. That peace has been evident to all and its something I am so thankful for. The peace was so heavy throughout his life that you could literally feel it fill the room.
I have to be honest, that heavy peace doesn’t feel so present when I am sobbing uncontrollably in bed or when I just want to hide in my closet and cry. But God’s promises do not end with peace, there is more…always more that our Father has for us when we ask Him for it.
Philippians chapter 4:6-7 breathes the verse that we have uttered over and over again over the past months:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
We have done all this, and God was there more truly and sincerely than He has EVER been. But what now? What now in my grief and my sorrow? Now this, verse 8-9:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”
And so, because the God who brought me here has been so faithful in all His promises, I will now trust Him with what He in turn asks of me. To focus in, hone in with all my might, my love, and my tears on the things in this world that bring life. Deep breath, okay Lord…I will try.