I am still in the process of figuring this grief thing out. In the meantime here are some precious memories from Gideon’s burial and Celebration Service. Below is also the eulogy I wrote for me sweet baby son.
Mommy’s Eulogy Given At the Service:
Today is a very happy day. Dave and I have been so excited to come here with you today to be able to truly celebrate and talk about our sweet son Gideon. Yes, there is no doubt that we ache and long for our son to be here with us. But for today, for right now we CELEBRATE. For God did not give us a loss in our son Gideon, He gave us a great great big gain. You have never seen prouder parents than the two you see standing before you. Gideon is ours, God gave him to us and we are humbled, honored, and blessed to call him our son.
I could stand up here and talk for days about Gideon. We constantly stand in awe of our son and how God has chosen to use his life. Today, this proud Mommy, with Daddy by my side…I would like to share with you who Gideon was and what he taught us.
Gideon was a warrior.
I will never forget the very first time I felt him kick. It was the night of Novemeber, 22nd, the night of his diagnosis. After that he never stopped kicking. Gideon’s heartbeat was strong, every single time I went to doctor’s it was 135, 135, 135…
It was literally as if he was constantly saying to me “Mommy I’m strong, I’m little but I am strong…you be strong too.” And so we spent a lot of time wrestling with God over this. How can we possibly be strong? This hurts too much to be strong. We are too sad to be strong. We are too heartbroken to be strong.
But just like Gideon, our strength does not come from within. In fact just the opposite, it came from a place of weakness. Gideon, his name, his namesake in the Bible…none of it came from a place of actual strength. It came from a place of submission and a willingness to say “Okay God, this army before me its HUGE and they are of great physical strength. But because you are GOD and you are who you say you are I will charge forward with my tiny weak, small, frail, and fragile army of 300.
What you see before you is not strength, its 100% admittance that we are not and that if we are going to get through this life we better start being real with ourselves about what we are capable of (not much) and what we are actually in control of (nothing).
Before Gideon we lived fooled, seemingly unscathed by life and liking it that way. But Gideon, through the pain and sorrow of his loss and the power and strength of his life, showed us that we were never really living at all. NOT AT ALL.
But GIDEON, through God and his little army of 300 changed this family.
Gideon was Peaceful.
Strength and peace have never been so beautifully intertwined. Gideon pointed us straight back to our Savior, reminding us every day that Christ came so that we would have a GIFT, not only in our next life but in this one too. Christ came so that we could have PEACE in this life, while we are still here. Before Gideon, I think we believed this in concept but never fully allowed its full reign in our day to day lives.
If someone ever asked me to give one word to describe my son, it would be PEACE.
When we found out that Gideon’s little body could not make it in this world even with the loss and the sorrow…Have PEACE Mommy! And it came.
When we realized that God had a longer plan for Gideon’s life than for him to come in December, even with the fear and despair…Have PEACE Mommy! And it came.
When we knew that a c-section was his best way into this world, even with the physical pain and discomfort…Have PEACE Mommy! And it came.
When we held him in our arms, even knowing we would not hold him for long…Mommy I AM PEACE! It was there.
When I ache and cry and sob and moan and long and hurt to hold my son again, even when I wonder if the tears will ever stop…Have PEACE Mommy! And it comes.
Gideon’s peace is not peace that you can touch or explain, its supernatural peace that only be experienced through trusting God fully. It’s a peace that is a choice, it is an actual literal choice to be made. A choice that lives right up alongside the pain, it’s a beautiful divine dance of knowing that in this life there will be pain and loss and sorrow…and its because of that that we cling ever tighter to the peace that is ours through choosing a relationship with God.
At Gideon’s burial on Friday we wrote notes on balloons and sent them up to him. As I was writing my note to him, I was really missing him…then it hit me. That while I do not have him physically here with me, what he has left with us can NEVER EVER EVER BE taken away. He is gone but his legacy of STRENGTH AND PEACE will be with us until it is our time to leave this earth. And then I will get to touch him again!!
Thank you so so much for being a part of that legacy. God has used Gideon’s STRENGTH AND PEACE to touch many and your willingness to let him into your lives touches Dave and I deeply. You have given our family a great gift…one beyond words…because you let Gideon touch you. You could have chosen to stay sad and to draw away from this difficult situation. You could have run away because it was too hard, but you stayed with us and cried with us. Today we thank you so much for being here to CELEBRATE with us. And to praise God with us! We stand here and PRAISE GOD FOR GIDEON! Thank you Lord, thank you for giving us Gideon.