I prayed for a legion of God’s Angels to be with us that day.
I prayed that God would bring peace and comfort to Gideon in a way that only HE can.
I prayed that I could find joy, deep joy in meeting my son.
I prayed for this all to happen in God’s timing and in God’s way.
As I opened my eyes at 4:30 am on March 31st I still did not know when and if God was going to answer these prayers. But as I continued on to live the most intensely precious day of my life, every moment revealed His mercy.
That night I had started intense contractions, through the night I had to breathe through them and the pain was growing in intensity. Gideon was coming one way or another and as I stood in the shower I praised God for the confirmation of His timing, but then I wondered…should I change our mind on the c-section?
As we arrived at the hospital I felt like the nurses looked at us like we had fourteen heads! I was thankful for this because I could tell they all knew. They just knew, and I understood that they didn’t know what to say or do. I remember my first stroke of nerves came when I saw my doctor…this is real. Its actually happening.
I told him about my contractions. Then he checked Gideon…he was breech. He was not breech two weeks before and I never noticed a huge turn in him, but sure enough God confirmed the “how.” C-section on March 31st, as God had always intended. I think my praise started at that moment and it didn’t ever stop the rest of the day. Pastor Mitch came and prayed over us, it was time. It was time for us to finally meet sweet Gideon.
Even now as I type this my heart is beating a thousand miles an hour. Oh what I would have given to stop the clock. To freeze time and never move forward, planted firmly in the few moments I would get to touch my son on this earth. Oh to freeze time…
In all honesty, words cannot describe all that came next. No word or utterance does justice to…
Hearing my husband say “He’s here. He’s doing okay. He’s not in any pain.”
HEARING my sweet son Gideon give out a little cry. A cry! A small sweet sound that only heaven can embrace. The SWEETEST sound of his one…little…cry.
The soft gentle breaths he took while on my chest. His body lay still, his skin on my skin, and his little mouth opened and closed with precious life. If only for a moment, he was mine, with his mommy.
Looking over as my husband held his son and seeing his right eye opened ever so slightly! I think I exclaimed with glee even in the midst of my pain and my crying, ‘His eye is open! His little eye is open!”
He was pink, he was warm. He was mine to touch, kiss, touch, kiss, and touch and kiss and touch and kiss.
He was always peaceful. ALWAYS peaceful. From the moment he came until the moment he left, he was Peace. He will always be peace to me. As my children touched him and kissed him, as he was baptized, as he was anointed, as he was bathed, as he was dressed, as he was prayed over, as he was sung to, and as he was loved…he was peace.
Handing him over was terrible. Touching his touches for the very last time is a torment on this earth that only heaven will heal. Tuesday morning brought tears for Dave and I that will scorch through our souls for all time. A deep deep longing to have “yesterday” all over again. The pain is immense and I especially find myself thinking of touching his toes, caressing his little legs, kissing his cheeks, and stroking his sweet sweet head of hair. All of these things seared deep into me that I would give anything to get back. YET EVEN STILL…even still…
God’s Angels WERE THERE! I saw them in the sky, visual proof for this Momma that my prayer had been answered. This is a picture of the sunrise the morning Gideon Matthew was born. I’ve never seen a sky like this in all my life and I never will again.
Even still God’s presence was there and ALL of our prayers were answered. All of them, without exception. I cannot explain what happened, what is happening. Truthfully I have no idea. But though our pain runs deep there is joy in March 31st that is not of this world. Gideon’s body is not mine and my heart bleeds every moment for him, but how can we be anything but thankful for the way God has blessed us through this little life.
March 31st, Gideon’s day, was a magical day. I wish everyone of you, every person young and old could have been there to experience God’s doings through Gideon. Those that were there…Mommy, Daddy, Sister Faith, Brother David, Brother Aaron, Grandma, Grandpa, Grandma Debbie, Pastor Mitch, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Jenny (with cousin Will in her belly due any day), Aunt Bre (with baby cousin in her belly too), Cousin Dawn, Uncle Lou, Dr. Sharawy, Nurse Melissa (not scheduled to come to work but came just to meet Gideon), Dr. Berkowitz (who shed tears as he shared that Gideon was with the Lord), Nurse Kim (who was also there with us in December when God had a change of plans for us), and Photographer Dawn…they all saw it too. If you ask anyone of them they will tell you the beauty of that day. What a gift. What a gift.
Dawn’s pictures transcend this earth. These pictures tell Gideon’s story. My brother Nick has a gift, he doesn’t just make a slideshow, he takes the song and the pictures and he tells a story. This time it was our story, Gideon’s story. As you watch it may you feel like you were there with us, because you were.