March 31st, A Magical Day

I prayed for a legion of God’s Angels to be with us that day.

I prayed that God would bring peace and comfort to Gideon in a way that only HE can.

I prayed that I could find joy, deep joy in meeting my son.

I prayed for this all to happen in God’s timing and in God’s way.

As I opened my eyes at 4:30 am on March 31st I still did not know when and if God was going to answer these prayers.  But as I continued on to live the most intensely precious day of my life, every moment revealed His mercy.

That night I had started intense contractions, through the night I had to breathe through them and the pain was growing in intensity.  Gideon was coming one way or another and as I stood in the shower I praised God for the confirmation of His timing, but then I wondered…should I change our mind on the c-section?

As we arrived at the hospital I felt like the nurses looked at us like we had fourteen heads!  I was thankful for this because I could tell they all knew.  They just knew, and I understood that they didn’t know what to say or do.  I remember my first stroke of nerves came when I saw my doctor…this is real.  Its actually happening.

I told him about my contractions.  Then he checked Gideon…he was breech.  He was not breech two weeks before and I never noticed a huge turn in him, but sure enough God confirmed the “how.”  C-section on March 31st, as God had always intended.  I think my praise started at that moment and it didn’t ever stop the rest of the day.  Pastor Mitch came and prayed over us, it was time.  It was time for us to finally meet sweet Gideon.

Even now as I type this my heart is beating a thousand miles an hour.  Oh what I would have given to stop the clock.  To freeze time and never move forward, planted firmly in the few moments I would get to touch my son on this earth.  Oh to freeze time…

In all honesty, words cannot describe all that came next.  No word or utterance does justice to…

Hearing my husband say “He’s here.  He’s doing okay.  He’s not in any pain.”

HEARING my sweet son Gideon give out a little cry.  A cry!  A small sweet sound that only heaven can embrace.  The SWEETEST sound of his one…little…cry.

The soft gentle breaths he took while on my chest.  His body lay still, his skin on my skin, and his little mouth opened and closed with precious life.   If only for a moment, he was mine, with his mommy.

Looking over as my husband held his son and seeing his right eye opened ever so slightly!  I think I exclaimed with glee even in the midst of my pain and my crying, ‘His eye is open!  His little eye is open!”

He was pink, he was warm.  He was mine to touch, kiss, touch, kiss, and touch and kiss and touch and kiss.

He was always peaceful.  ALWAYS peaceful.  From the moment he came until the moment he left, he was Peace.  He will always be peace to me.  As my children touched him and kissed him, as he was baptized, as he was anointed, as he was bathed, as he was dressed, as he was prayed over, as he was sung to, and as he was loved…he was peace.

Handing him over was terrible.  Touching his touches for the very last time is a torment on this earth that only heaven will heal.  Tuesday morning brought tears for Dave and I that will scorch through our souls for all time.  A deep deep longing to have “yesterday” all over again.  The pain is immense and I especially find myself thinking of touching his toes, caressing his little legs, kissing his cheeks, and stroking his sweet sweet head of hair.  All of these things seared deep into me that I would give anything to get back.  YET EVEN STILL…even still

God’s Angels WERE THERE!  I saw them in the sky, visual proof for this Momma that my prayer had been answered.  This is a picture of the sunrise the morning Gideon Matthew was born.  I’ve never seen a sky like this in all my life and I never will again.

photo1 (2)
This photo is 100% completely unedited, taken outside our front door.

Even still God’s presence was there and ALL of our prayers were answered.  All of them, without exception.  I cannot explain what happened, what is happening.  Truthfully I have no idea.  But though our pain runs deep there is joy in March 31st that is not of this world.  Gideon’s body is not mine and my heart bleeds every moment for him, but how can we be anything but thankful for the way God has blessed us through this little life.

March 31st, Gideon’s day, was a magical day.  I wish everyone of you, every person young and old could have been there to experience God’s doings through Gideon.  Those that were there…Mommy, Daddy, Sister Faith, Brother David, Brother Aaron, Grandma, Grandpa, Grandma Debbie, Pastor Mitch, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Jenny (with cousin Will in her belly due any day), Aunt Bre (with baby cousin in her belly too), Cousin Dawn, Uncle Lou, Dr. Sharawy, Nurse Melissa (not scheduled to come to work but came just to meet Gideon), Dr. Berkowitz (who shed tears as he shared that Gideon was with the Lord), Nurse Kim (who was also there with us in December when God had a change of plans for us), and Photographer Dawn…they all saw it too.  If you ask anyone of them they will tell you the beauty of that day.  What a gift.  What a gift.

Dawn’s pictures transcend this earth.  These pictures tell Gideon’s story.  My brother Nick has a gift, he doesn’t just make a slideshow, he takes the song and the pictures and he tells a story.  This time it was our story, Gideon’s story.  As you watch it may you feel like you were there with us, because you were.

 

 

26 thoughts on “March 31st, A Magical Day

  1. I watched you looking with love upon your children, I’ve watched you gaze upon your little boy, I watched you soak in his smell, his touch, his life. I’ve watched as you challenged yourself to grow and let God’s love reflect off Gideon. I’ve watched as you’ve struggled through every decision. I watched as you pined for your boy, and as your heart broke so did mine. Your mom and I stood respectfully, quietly beside you with love, pride and pain. We gazed upon you soaking it in, “How do we help”, “How can we fix this.” and we watched God’s love reflect blindingly off you and Dave. Please know that as you gaze upon your children with love and pride and protection. Right over your shoulder stands mom and I gazing upon you with the very same love, pride and yes desire to protect.
    Praise God that our heavenly Father is watching over our shoulders, with the SAME love, the SAME pride and the SAME desire to protect. And as much I want to carry you, my attempts are vain and feeble, when compared to how He, the Alpha and the Omega carries us.

    I love you my dear little girl and could not be prouder of you and Dave.

    -Dad

  2. What a beautiful boy you made. I cried so hard watching that video. What a treasure you have. Gideon’s story is a beautiful one. The amount of love you and your family showed is inspiring.

    1. Sweet Meghan, I’m sure you did cry! That’s exactly what I do whenever I read about your precious Mabel and also precious Seraphim. This is so hard isn’t it? I mean really, these days are the most difficult of our lives. But at least we know we aren’t alone right? I think about you often and I pray that God gives you something, ANYTHING to grip onto to get through this. That’s what I pray for for me too. Today has been a good day, yesterday was terrible…I just guess that’s how this thing called grief goes. Love you sister, thanks for joining in our story.

  3. What a beautiful child of God with such a loving family and courage to send him on to God. I have been so touched today.
    Angie

  4. Your family is absolutely beautiful. I want you to know I ugly cried while I was watching this, I mean I couldn’t hardly breathe while I was watching it, immense pressure on my chest feeling. You are stronger than I could ever be. Gideon’s story has truly touched me. God bless you and may little Gideon watch over his brothers and sister as well as his mommy and daddy as he is wrapped in Gods loving embrace.

    1. Haha I know exactly what you mean by “ugly cry” its so true. Thank you for your blessing. God’s strength has provided for us through the worst and it is such a relief of fear and worry to truly see what our God is capable of. Bless you Jamie!

  5. Maria~
    I’ve been so weak lately due to the loss of my mother four weeks ago. As I lie in bed crying and feeling miserable, I decide to go on FB to find ease,
    However, I came across your heart felt story and feel compelled to say you are my strength today! Your experience and your strength have given me peace! I am touched by the love and strength you have displayed through your experience. My words may never comfort you but I must say I admire you and your husband for the perfect love you gave Gideon! I admire your courage and your love! Through your story I have been able to feel more at peace with my loss! I truly am sorry for yours. You have three beautiful children, husband and family….. GOD BLESS

    TRULY,
    Patty

    1. Patty, thank you so much for sharing your story and your heart. I know the pain you are feeling right now and I am praying for you right now! Know that your heavenly Father loves you and is there to comfort you. There is healing in every tear so let them flow! These days are the toughest, let guilt nor despair never creep in and always remember that there is a joy that will return. Bless you Patty! Thank you so much for blessing MY day.

  6. What a beautiful story. As I am reading and crying, I am reliving losing our baby girl, Rachel Elizabeth, in 1984. I can tell you after these many years, it is well with my soul.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing. My parents lost a child in 1985 and I can say that even 30 years later they were able to fully relive and heal through that loss. I am so thankful that Rachel Elizabeth and Gideon Matthew are together…more joyful and happy than ever! I hope they give eachother kisses from their Mommy’s right now!

  7. What a beautiful baby boy you made. I cried so hard watching the video. Gideon’s story is a beautiful one. The amount of love you and your family showed is inspiring. Little Gideon is watching over his mom, dad and his brothers an sister. God bless this family.

  8. I am touched by your story. I am touched by your Faith in God. I am touched by your strength and courage. I have endured much too many difficult life experiences, but thankfully none like this. People tell me all the time that God only gives his toughest battles to those who can handle it. My reply often goes like this: “Then I wish God would stop having so much faith in me!”

    Maria, God has surely chosen you and Dave to be Earth Angels, so that those who know you personally, and those who come to know your story, will see what unconditional love looks like, and will know what it is to be touched by the Holy Spirit.

    Blessings to you and your family and friends…

    1. Monique, thank you so much for encouraging us. Your message and your words bring healing, to know and remember that God does not waste our pain.

      I know exactly what you are saying…sometimes I think if I can’t get through something then maybe more won’t come! But then I remember that I have never actually gotten through anything. Not a thing. God did it for us, with us. It gives me faith and hope when the next wave comes.

      Many blessings Monique!

  9. Your family is beautiful. I am so sorry for the profound loss you have experienced but am inspired by your strength. As a mother, as a wife and as a woman who puts her trust in someone unseen. I am not sure I could ever endure what you have. It seems strange to care so deeply for a family do not know but I suppose we are all connected; as mothers and in faith. Thank you for sharing your journey with so many; I am so excited to read about the next addition to your beautiful family.

    1. Dear Jillian,

      I don’t think anyone thinks they are capable of surviving the worst. I know I didn’t. The power of the Holy Spirit is an amazing thing, and God gets you through things in a way words cannot express. Be blessed as a Mommy and Women of Faith…knowing the unseen God is powerful and mighty. Much much love to you and your family!

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