Service Details and The Closing of a Chapter

My  heart leaps out of my chest most days, thinking about what is to come.  Is it really time?  Does this day have to come?  I want it to, yet I don’t.

The next time I write here I will be a different woman.  I will have been permanently, intensely, and forever changed by a baby named Gideon Matthew.  Regardless of what Monday holds, what miracles God may or may not have in store, or how I am holding up…I know I will be a new me.

I am daily humbled and thankful for how beautifully you have allowed Gideon into your lives.  You have let him touch you and speak to you and teach you and I could not be prouder of my son.  I imagine that God feels the same way about him.  Thank you.  Words don’t seem like enough, but thank you for letting him be so important.  Thank you for walking this painful road with us, thank you for being a part of the chapter of waiting, wondering, and weeping.

A new chapter is coming.  I have always been thankful for the seasons of life.  That no matter what life brings, its only for a season, and that God always brings Spring after the Winter.  In all honesty I have no idea if the Winter part of this all is coming or going, but I do know that God will be there to guide me through whatever is to come next.

This time next week a picture will be where my words once were.  A face to finally go with the name.  A little person to bring both joy and sorrow, may we be strong together.  May we stand in confidence knowing that though this is hard, so hard, harder than anything I have ever had to do…God did so much through Gideon’s presence and may his little face be a remembrance of that.

Even now as I write he is kicking.  I will savor each and every kick this week, I will soak them up deep.  I keep asking myself if I really think I am going to be okay, if I will be able to make it through this?  Does this really have to happen?  Would I do it all again?  Lies and fear always try to move in, casting doubt and sadness and terror.  Then God gently whispers once more:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 118:6

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.” Lamentations 3:22

And so I take a deep breath, whisper praise in my soul for the life that is still mine to carry, and wait for God to appear to me in the form of my little baby son.  If God does decide to take him home on Monday, all and any are welcome to come celebrate with us.  The details of his service are below.  Here goes nothing.


15 thoughts on “Service Details and The Closing of a Chapter

  1. I am not sure what to write. Gideon Mathew has blessed me! He has a strong and courageous family. Thank you for sharing your testimony and thank you for sharing Gideon with us!

  2. Opening up your heart and sharing your emotions is a testament to how much you love and trust your family and friends. You have given us all an amazing gift by allowing us to come along on your journey through the gift you have of putting your deepest thoughts and feelings into words. To see how God’s love has carried you through this season has touched so many hearts and changed me and many others forever. We will make it through the difficult days ahead trusting in the awesome plan God has for Gideon’s life. Thank you, Maria, for showing us how to trust in God, when we feel like giving up, and gaining strength through Him.

    1. We WILL make it through won’t we? We will be okay. How thankful I am Debbie that in the midst of hurt and hard times its seems to have only made our family closer and stronger. Thank you for being there every step of the way and for being there next week.

  3. Maria, Gideon has blessed our lives so much. Your and his story have had such an everlasting testimony to soo many. Our small group will be praying with your parents Sat night. You are most welcome to join us if you would like. We will all be praying on Monday morning at 7:30 while Gideon makes his arrival. Know that you and your family are truly loved and prayed over. We are praying for more miracles to happen. We are leaning on God’s understanding in this and are trusting Him to be hugely present with you all on Monday. Love, Anne

    1. Thank you for covering us in prayer! It has been such a blessing to be so covered in prayer every step of the way and I know next week we will need it more than ever. Thank you for praying over my parents too, that will truly be a gift to them.

  4. Praying for you daily. And while we cannot be there with you in person, our constant prayers and thoughts will be. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey. You have no idea how you have encouraged me, and many others, along the way.

  5. Pam Helm sent me to your website. I attended BRCC for many, many years.. And just 5 months ago I lost my 6 day old son, Jude, (my 4th child) to Trisomy 18.. Only we didn’t know anything was wrong until he was born. I have been where you are heading.. And I want to foremost say that you will get through it. You will be able to breath again.. Even when the pain feels too unbearable. God will hold you up. He will carry you through. Please email me if you ever have a need for a kindred Mama’s heart that knows your pain. I am praying for you, your husband and your children. God will be honored and glorified through Gideon’s sweet life and your family. Keep trusting in His perfect plan, even when the doubt and anger tries to grab a hold of you. Nothing about this is easy, but it is possible. -Jaime

    1. Jamie thank you so much for sharing with me your story and your sweet son Jude. It reinforces my hope to see you, 5 months later, still able to powerfully proclaim Gods goodness and strength even after the sorrowful loss you have suffered. Thank you my sweet Sister! I really appreciate it.

  6. Maria,
    Gideon has truly made an impact on us all. He has done more in his short, sweet, beloved life than many adults do in their many years. He is so Loved! Thank you for sharing Gideon’s raw, real story and for allowing us to love you and your family and cloak you in prayer. What more do we want for our children than to be close to God?! Gideon will soon be front and center at the Lord’s feet, complete and whole!!! Though it is painful on this side of Heaven, how sweet it must be to be Gideon, only knowing love?! Praying!
    Taylor Smith

  7. Dear Sweet Maria and Family,
    As you approach tomorrow, the day you finally get to meet your precious baby boy, know this Mama of four will continue lifting you all up in prayer to our mighty God. Thank you for sharing your courageous journey. Because of you and Gideon, I have been taught a lesson on going through the hard places, rather than always wanting to rush around them. I can’t wait to see his picture and I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug.

  8. Maria I am so sorry to hear of this news. Your faith inspires me as much as does your honesty. Many many prayers are being sent your way from down here in the Bahamas. Love, Carly

  9. Sweet Maria- My family has been following your journey from the start, and even now, just a few short hours before Gideon arrives, my husband Sean and I are awake praying for you. We have 3 teenage daughters, all of whom have been wrapping you in their love and hearts, covering you in prayer, especially in these last several days. We are friends of your mom and dad, and they love you SO much. Their eyes dance when they speak of you and your amazing family. We are blessed to even be on the periphery of your story, blessed to know you second hand, and not even face to face at this point. Please know, that even as strangers, our hearts will be dancing with joy, and breaking for you at the same time today. God has used your journey to touch so many. May Gideon bring you peace and smiles, and His warmth through your sadness. We love you, sweet momma. And I pray our paths cross soon. Lifting you in His Perfect Love right now…. Heather O’Brien

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