My heart leaps out of my chest most days, thinking about what is to come. Is it really time? Does this day have to come? I want it to, yet I don’t.
The next time I write here I will be a different woman. I will have been permanently, intensely, and forever changed by a baby named Gideon Matthew. Regardless of what Monday holds, what miracles God may or may not have in store, or how I am holding up…I know I will be a new me.
I am daily humbled and thankful for how beautifully you have allowed Gideon into your lives. You have let him touch you and speak to you and teach you and I could not be prouder of my son. I imagine that God feels the same way about him. Thank you. Words don’t seem like enough, but thank you for letting him be so important. Thank you for walking this painful road with us, thank you for being a part of the chapter of waiting, wondering, and weeping.
A new chapter is coming. I have always been thankful for the seasons of life. That no matter what life brings, its only for a season, and that God always brings Spring after the Winter. In all honesty I have no idea if the Winter part of this all is coming or going, but I do know that God will be there to guide me through whatever is to come next.
This time next week a picture will be where my words once were. A face to finally go with the name. A little person to bring both joy and sorrow, may we be strong together. May we stand in confidence knowing that though this is hard, so hard, harder than anything I have ever had to do…God did so much through Gideon’s presence and may his little face be a remembrance of that.
Even now as I write he is kicking. I will savor each and every kick this week, I will soak them up deep. I keep asking myself if I really think I am going to be okay, if I will be able to make it through this? Does this really have to happen? Would I do it all again? Lies and fear always try to move in, casting doubt and sadness and terror. Then God gently whispers once more:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.” Psalm 118:6
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.” Lamentations 3:22
And so I take a deep breath, whisper praise in my soul for the life that is still mine to carry, and wait for God to appear to me in the form of my little baby son. If God does decide to take him home on Monday, all and any are welcome to come celebrate with us. The details of his service are below. Here goes nothing.