When Answers Still Don’t Come

You would think by now I would stop waiting, hoping even, for answers to come.  Deep in my heart I know they won’t come at all on this side of heaven.

To be honest most of the questions I have had throughout this time, I am glad God did not answer them immediately or reveal to me the path I was about to walk on.  Its been three months now since we found out about our sweet baby, that he would not be here for long, and there are things I would not have been able to handle knowing.

I was terrified of what it would be like to carry Gideon, have my belly grow, feel him kick, and get the public pregnancy comments.  I told God I couldn’t do it, no way I could…but that’s what He called me to do.

So then I told him “FINE! I’ll do it” (yes, at first it sounded just like that)…but only if you bring Gideon into this world early.  Like really early, like 28 weeks.  Only then God!  Here I sit, 31 weeks pregnant.

Every single doctors visit I prayed for specific things to happen, for God’s merciful hand to be shown in just exactly the way that wanted it to.  Not one happened the way I had wished.

When we first found out about Gideon I cried thinking about what it would be like through the eyes of my children.  How would they take it?  What would they think?  Little did I know they would be some of the clearest examples of what it looks like to trust God without question.  They love Gideon so intimately and perfectly already.
When we first found out about Gideon I cried thinking about what it would be like through the eyes of my children. How would they take it? What would they think? Little did I know they would be some of the clearest examples of what it looks like to trust God without question. They love Gideon so intimately and perfectly.

It might sound like I am angry with God.  Like I cannot believe He has allowed this to happen.  Or it might even sound that though I have been following His plan, it has been against my will.  Strangely, it is just the opposite.  I am so thankful that it has gone the way it has, for even in my most sorrowful moments God has grown in me an intense desire for His plan not mine.

I even think it is okay that I keep making feeble attempts at plans and answers because my journey for them has done nothing but lead me right back into God’s lap.  Kneeling, crying, at the foot of the cross of a God who sacrificed His son so that I could be with my son forever someday.  Wanting these answers, these dates, these plans, these explanations has done nothing but prove to me over and over that I literally have no where else to turn.  I have found nothing tangible in my days to cling to for hope.  Nothing.  I have found nothing comforting in this world, in this life, in these days of praying for my baby son to be healed other than knowing that God’s promises are trustworthy and that He promises not to leave me or forsake me.

So here I sit, another disappointing doctors visit has come and gone.  I am staring in the eyes of a planned c-section probably all the way far away in the beginning of April (two things I have never wanted) and yet…there is peace.

Still again in awe of the life Gideon has given to this mommy.  Though I cry for him and still can find no happiness when people “congratulate” me for being pregnant, Gideon’s impact on me is soul level.  My biggest prayer is that his impact on you is soul level too.  That you see me, only for what I truly am, a sorrowful and weak mommy whose only strength comes from above.  That you look at Gideon and experience with me the impact that a young unborn baby can have, and see beyond a shadow of a doubt, the presence of a real and true God.

In the book of Judges, where the story of Gideon is found, it says in chapter 6 verse 24, “Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it The Lord Is Peace.”  My Gideon has done the same thing for me, he surely has built an altar in my life called the Lord is Peace.  An altar far better than any answer I could get.

5 thoughts on “When Answers Still Don’t Come

  1. Maria, You continue to amaze me with such beautiful feelings and words you send out. May God our Father continue to give you and your family the continued strength you have given all of us..Our thoughts and our prayers are always with you and Gideon. Love you so very much .

  2. Maria, my words are weak and so inadequate but I would like to tell you how much your sharing of your journey with Gideon and God has meant to me. I’ve heard it said that when someone is willing to offer up their sorrow to and for God, that it saves souls. Not necessarily your own but many who you may never know. I dont understand that. But Your walk with God and your willingness to share it, gives me so much hope for the world. Our world that spends so much time on all the wrong things, so void of love. Your words touch my very soul. You are an amazing person who has given more love and hope to so many. You are in my prayers. May God continue to carry you so very close to His heart .

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and being willing to share with me what God is doing in you and through you. Nothing can take away from the pain and sorrow, but it is such an incredible gift to know (through words like your own) that it is not for nothing. That God will use every tear and that every part of this is in His trustworthy hands. I only pray that God continues to speak in mighty and miraculous ways. It has given more life to my son Gideon than I ever could have imagined…life that goes far beyond this earth.

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