There was a time, not too long ago, where disappointments and things not going as planned really took me down. I never handled either very well and I would mope around like a little girl who just dropped her ice cream on the floor. These days are proving to be a little different. I still have moments of trying to take back control, and disappointment still comes, but it doesn’t take me over like it used to. I am thankful. I feel like it is a gift Gideon has given directly to his mommy. The gift of perspective. The gift of knowing what it really feels like to be broken, slowly shaking away the other small details in life and putting them in their place. Not unimportant, but not important enough to feel pain over. Its a good thing, because I did not leave the doctors appointment on Thursday with the answers I was hoping to get.
The doctor was so gracious, caring, and honest. It was specifically honesty part that we needed (though hard to hear in our situation). I know, without a doubt, that Gideon is in God’s hands…everything we are running around doing down here is just part of that plan. I also know that God has made me a mom and I have instincts and desires that come from Him. I think about Gideon and what, if anything, I can do to make his life as wonderful and perfect as it can be. This includes how and when (if given the choice) Gideon will come into this world.
After much back and forth conversation with the Doctor last week, the details are still blurry. These are the things I do know…
I know that I now fully trust the doctor that God has put in our path and I feel confident that he will fight for what is best for me, for Gideon, and for our family.
I know that Dave and I have chosen to bring Gideon into this world via C-section. It is a road I would have never thought before that I would have chosen to take, but it is the best decision we can make given the information that has been given to us.
I know that though we “plan,” God might have something different in mind (He has surely proven Himself during this whole process). It is a gift to be able to be confident in this and it gives us great peace to rely on that truth.
I know that I pray everyday for strength, perseverance, and stamina for myself and for my family…particularly for the day Gideon will come. Only God knows how on earth we are going to get through it.
I know that in the span of this life it is difficult to live between these two realities: this is such a short time, yet such a long road. These words are not mine, but my oh my are they so true. I have been given great comfort this week by the story of Angie Smith and her sweet daughter Audrey. Comfort that I desperately needed.
Angie wrote a book about carrying her sweet daughter, even though (like us) she knew Audrey would not live long. I sobbed as I devoured her book, her words felt like my words and her story felt like my story. Sweet baby Audrey lived for two hours and, like Gideon, her short life made such a huge impact on this world and those of us she left behind. You can read more about their story here. Her book is called I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy.
This whole experience has been a series of ups and downs, highs and lows, strong days and weak days. At the lowest points I feel dread and sadness like I never thought possible, a desperation for hope and relief. At my highest points I sense God’s presence like I never have before, He is tangibly here proving Himself trustworthy over and over. In the end of this disappointing week, one that did not carry the answers I had hoped it would, I once again found myself in the place of surrender. Will I surrender once more to God? Will I once more surrender to His plan, not mine? Once more, on my knees and in tears, I give in…for in His arms are the only place I want to be. So yes. I surrender once more on this long road.
Angie’s husband Todd is the lead singer of a Christian group called Selah and they wrote a song for Audrey called I will Carry You.
If you ever wonder how I am doing? If you ever wonder how I am feeling? If you ever wonder what the deep sorrow pain joy appreciation terror trust faith hope despair of this journey is like…listen to this song, hear each and every word and know that this is what it is like. The deepness of the tears I cried when I heard this song for the first time were more than words can ever describe (that was my attempt at a guaranteed TEARS warning! If you are at Starbucks or work you might want to watch this when you get home).
As always, much love and appreciation for you.