In the Nick of Time

I hadn’t felt Gideon move for a day or so.  Deep down I knew he was still with me, I knew he was still here, but I felt like I needed to call the doctor.  Problem is, I have been hating going to the doctor’s.

Everytime I would walk through the front doors I would cry.  Why?  Because I was immediately taken back to all my normal, healthy pregnancies where every visit was exciting and life giving.  I remembered what it felt like to walk through those doors and feel joy and now instead, only sadness.  I also remember what it felt like that day.  The day I found out that my sweet baby did not have kidneys.

To top it all off the nurses and doctors treated me like any other patient.  The nurses would happily weigh me and say “Awww what are you having?”  The doctor would come in and say, “So how you are you feeling?” To which I would say, “You don’t remember us do you?”  Then I would have to spend the rest of the visit holding back tears and cuss words because all I wanted to do was sob and yell.

Then came all my unanswered questions.  Simply put it felt like they just did not know how to deal with me.  The doctor typed in his computer as I asked him questions.  Basically the message was clear “there is nothing we can do for you or your baby now except wait.”  Wait?  That’s all you have for me?

So I’ve boycotted.  Going there and talking to them just set me back five steps.

The other day, though, I couldn’t stop feeling like I needed to go.  So I called up the nurse who sent me to scheduling, who sent me finally to the triage nurse.  I told her all about our situation, our decision, our baby, and also my struggles with how we have been handled in their office.  Her name was Taylor, I will never forget her as long as I live, she said, “Maria, let’s start talking about what we can do to take care of you.  What do you need today?  You tell me and we will do it.”  Taylor…I could have hugged her.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office they personally escorted me directly to a room.  Taylor met me there and with tears in her eyes she gently took my blood pressure and checked for Gideon’s heartbeat.  Gideon was great, heart beat strong as ever, and I knew God brought me there that day for a different reason.

This is the first belly picture I have taken since we received Gideon's diagnosis in November.  Usually it is a happy family affair that I do every 4 weeks on the button...it has just been too hard to this time.  But I am thankful for the few I will get.  Here I am 28 weeks.
This is the first belly picture I have taken since we received Gideon’s diagnosis in November. Usually it is a happy family affair that I do every 4 weeks on the button…it has just been too hard to do this time around. But I am thankful for the few I will get. Here I am 28 weeks.

It is very secluding being in a situation that most people have not been in.  Its complex, painful, and lonely.  Turns out not even the doctor’s office has seen many patients like me.  Maybe one other in the past 7 or so years that has carried this specific fatal diagnosis.  Being that our practice has so many doctors it became clear that all the ones I had previously seen literally had no experience with a pregnancy like mine.  Why the pretending?  Why the speaking as if they knew what they were talking about?  Why not just listen?  I’m not exactly sure of all the answers to my “why’s” but I do know that the difference in that day is that I was finally faced with nurses and doctors who weren’t putting me in their bucket of rules or “do’s or don’ts,” instead they were lovingly caring for me.  At one point both the nurse and the doctor (the doctor I will now be seeing for all my appointments here on out) each said something to me along these lines,”We are going to take care of you, and not just your body and your baby, but you and your soul too.”  If words could heal…

This experience surely brought to light a few things I have been learning about God and about people.

God

The whole experience for me was a huge answer to prayer, I was running on empty and I was really starting to wonder if I would be able to make it through another day.  But being taken care of in such an unexpected way really boosted my spirits, showed me again that God always comes through just in the nick of time.

In painful times like this my only hope is to stay founded firmly on God’s promises and what  I know to be true.  Harder it has been though to really feel God’s love.  I felt it at the doctors.  As I sat there and listened to Taylor’s words and the doctor’s words, it seemed almost oddly and overly loving.  I found myself thinking, “This feels so good, but who am I to deserve it?  Why are they loving me so well?”  A little whisper came into my soul, “And to think God loves you immensely more than they do.  Imagine that…”  He does love me and He will take care of me, even better than the world’s sweetest nurse will.

People

I have been amazed at the power people, friends, and family have had in this experience and how often (daily) God uses them to love on me and show me “It’s going to be okay.”  I have also learned what to do and what not to do with someone who is struggling, sad, in mourning, or depressed.  I only pray that God uses me someday to love someone the way you have loved on me.

Some, understandably are afraid to talk, because they don’t know what to say to me.  Honestly?  A listening ear has been the best thing I could ever ask for.  I will talk your ear off about Gideon if you let me, so don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there…if not to talk then just to listen.

An adored friend of mine got me two pairs of these socks. One said “I am Blessed” and the other “I am a Great Mom.” I love them, they are called “Notes to Self.” http://www.notestoself.com/

I have learned that praying for someone, and simply telling them you are thinking of them is more medicine than you can imagine.  Everyday I am so blessed by the Facebook messages, texts, comments, emails, cards, and sometimes even groceries or treats just to say “I love you and am praying for you.”  There is nothing anyone can say or do to change the path we are on, it is an immovable path only to be impacted by God himself.  But your love has truly blessed us and I thank you.

Dave and I will go to the doctor’s again on Thursday to sit down (finally!) with someone who will listen and help us formulate a plan for the next few months.  Would you pray for our visit?  That even in a doctor’s office God’s plans would unfold and that He would use the doctor in a mighty to bring some peace to this whole situation for Dave and I and infinitely loving care for Gideon when he comes.  I pray for patience for myself as each day feels like a year and continued strength for my husband and children.

Next week…I will let you know how it went.

12 thoughts on “In the Nick of Time

  1. Oh Maria! What a story! I praise God this morning for Taylor and the doctors/other nurses that gave you the care and attention you have deserved this whole time. I will be in prayer for your appointment on Thurs. Btw, I can’t help but think of the MANY lives (in the doctors office and other places) that you have touched and shone Christ’s light to through this journey!!!

  2. Good morning. I just stumbled on your blog via a mutual friend. I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you, your family, and above all the mighty warrior in your belly-Gideon.

  3. Maria, I have been keeping up with your blog and also with your Grandma, Joan White, who is a volunteer in the outpatient dept at Doctors Hospital. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your family and sweet, sweet Gideon. You are so strong and courageous and I am sure that God will use you and Gideon in a might way to help others. I know you already have. Hugs.

  4. Aaahh the road less traveled. It can often be a scary lonely place. But what a reward it can also be. Thankfully we have our Heavenly Father with us all along the way. Praying you will feel his presence and Him lifting you up on Thursday.

  5. You are inspiring so many as you share your story and your heart with us. You are giving God all the glory as you walk this gut wrenching journey, and I can’t help but believe there will be sweet reward for the way you are earnestly seeking Him. Love and prayers for you and your family. Kara (from the Beach House Birthday Celebration)

  6. Dear Maria & family….. I am praying for you right now! You said that You pray God will use you and All I can say is He already has… I already knew you were an incredible lady, however my admiration for you has excelerated! I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through but I wholeheartedly agree with your decision it’s a WWJD all the way. My prayer is for you to be treated so gently and pampered precious daughter of the Most High King. You are beautiful inside and out. I am currently in the middle of a Bible Study on Gideon by Priscilla Shyer and I am learning so much. What a fitting name for your son. Peace be with you ,
    In Christ
    Ronna

  7. Maria, what an absolute wonderful picture of beauty and peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding. Your mother and I have been,and will always be at your side. When your arms become weak from prayer we will hold them up for you. Over the years you and your brother have been a constant source of joy and pride. And now I stand in the your shadow of your strength, and unwavering faithfulness, humbled as I draw my strength from you. But make no mistake, I am right here ready to hold you up. You are my little girl and my heart breaks with you. “I never thought that it could be that we’d be make one as sweet as she, isn’t she lovely made from love”
    I promise you that Gideon has already become part of the fabric of this family. His story WILL be told for generations to come. Future generations will remember Gideon and the love and faithfulness of his father and mother.
    Your Daddy

  8. My Darling Girl,
    If I believe in one thing – it is in the power of prayer which gives you the courage to speak out on your own behalf. You are such an amazing woman, Maria, and Grandpa and I are in awe of your faith, your beautiful heart and your trust in God. We draw strength from you – at a time when we wish we could be your strength. All of my prayer warriors are working hard, barnstorming Heaven on your behalf. Especially this coming Thursday. We will all be with you in our hearts.
    Love, Gram

  9. Maria,
    How could I do anything but shower you and Gideon with the love that you deserve? You have been such a blessing to me, even in your darkest hours. I literally woke out of a dead sleep tonight and it was on my heart to check your blog (not that I’m stalking or anything)…what a gift I received?! I was overjoyed that you took the time to do your belly shot…these are your moments with Gideon, relish in them even if it hurts like hell. God has a sense of humor, and knew that we both needed those tear filled hugs at that moment on Friday. Many prayers.
    Taylor

    1. Taylor??? Nurse Taylor?!?! How thankful I am that you got to read first hand the difference you made for Gideon and I. How you found my little blog I have no idea but I know God is sending you places for sure! Thank you for being a bit of light in a very dark place for me. Thank you!!!!

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