Wrestling With God

Over and over again I have found myself sitting in the Garden of Gethsemane with Jesus.  I picture myself there, watching Him, crying with Him, and now knowing what it feels like to pray His prayer.

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed,“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  Matthew 26:38-39

Then I think, God did not take the cup away from Jesus so why would He take it away from me?

I know it is not a very faithful way of thinking, but my hurting heart cannot help but feel like its true.  And so the wrestling begins…

I believe that God is good.  I believe that He has brought Gideon to this family for a reason.  I believe that God will use this loss, this sorrow, this pain for good somehow.  I also believe that God is powerful enough to heal Gideon, to bring to life what could be dead.  I also believe that He will choose not to.  Just like Jesus, this cup will not be taken from us.

So I wrestle back and forth and back and forth with Him battling between trusting God and fearing trusting Him all at the same time.  This wrestling match, some days, has literally taken me to the point of physical fatigue.  Then I submit.

So here I lay, breathless, out of tears, and out of energy at peace about the sleeper hold God has finally put me in.

I can trust Him and I do.  I trust that if He allows the life of my son to be taken that it will not be in vain.  Just like the death of His son carried purpose, mine will too.

I know He will hold me during my days of deep grief and sorrow and somehow get me and my family through this.

I do not believe He has wrestled me to the mat because He is mad at me, I believe He  has wrestled me because He knew I needed it.  I needed to wrestle through all the doubt, anger, sadness, frustration, hopelessness, and disbelief in order to truly choose faith over anything and everything else. 

Preparing for my angel.
Preparing for my angel.
Gideon Bear has been a precious companion all week.  I took a little recorder from Build A Bear to my last doctors visit where I recorded the precious sounds of Gideon's strong heartbeat.
Gideon Bear has been a perfect companion. I took a little recorder from Build A Bear to my last doctors visit where I recorded the precious sounds of Gideon’s strong heartbeat.

This past week was another hard one.  My sweet friend Jennifer sent Gideon an outfit and blanket in the mail and there I sat, crying at a blanket that would hold a baby for but a day.

I also took my children to Build A Bear where we put Gideon’s heartbeat in a little blue bear.  My oldest two have not parted with the bear since.  They talk about it, sleep with it, and constantly check to see that Gideon’s little bear is safe and sound.

And in the midst of my tears and my Garden of Gethsemane plea, God came to me once more in a whisper.  May His words of love somehow bless you the way they did me.  And may they remind you, that He is good.

My sweet child, in the whispers of your soul I am here.  Do not be afraid to listen, to hear me and to believe.  I will not let you down.  Though the circumstances of this life and the hardness of your days tempt you into thinking I don’t love you…know that I do.  I have promised you that I will be here for you and I WILL.  I have promised you that I will never leave you and I WON’T.  I love Gideon.  O how I love him and how I desire great things for my children.  His life is not a tragedy, though I know you think that it is.  His life is not sad, for it is eternal.  Your baby, your precious Gideon, he is helping me make all things new in you.  He is my worker, my precious child that I have chosen to bring you through this.  This is what LIFE truly is.  It is not of this world, it is not of these days, it is not in the pleasures or distractions you experience here.  It is with ME.  Only with me.  Do not be afraid of the days to come, though you cannot see or know the details, you can see and know that I WILL BE IN ALL OF THEM.  Not one is out of my reach.  Sweet child, stop wasting moments on guilt of any kind.  I came so that you would be free of guilt.  Free.  So come, come you who are wearied and burdened and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Even in your sorrow and even in your grief and sadness and loss…come to me and rest.  Give it to me and know that even the greatest losses cannot surpass the glory that will be yours come in my heaven where you and ALL your children will play and laugh all day long.  With me, forever, starting now.

Starting now.

2 thoughts on “Wrestling With God

  1. Hi, my name is Sarah Bookhamer, I am Michelle Kammeyer’s sister. I am a huge fan of your book You’re Daughter Needs a hero. I am sitting here balling as I read about the reality of what you’re experiencing. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and your family. My story is very different, but for only a few short days I was carrying the burden and heartache you’re living. I don’t understand what you’re going through, but to have even that glimpse of what you’re experiencing is enough that I am moved beyond words to be interceeding in prayer on your behalf, continually. One of my best friends Tracy Dailey lost her baby at 8 months (nearly 6 years ago now) and we (and some other close friends) have started a non- profit called Emma’s Footprints to help local families with the cost of funerals for those who cannot afford it. Not that Emma heading home to Jesus early was worth it by any means, but the Lord has used this tragic event for the good and for the glory of Jesus. …I will share your story and ask for prayer from my dear friends, family and small groups I am involved with. I will be praying too that you would have a small glimpse into how the Lord will use this for even an ounce of good…not even that that is any consolation, I know…..but I will be praying for you to stand and continually take heart. Know that you’re loved and lifted up in prayer by the church of Edinboro, Pennsylvania.

    1. Hi Sarah,

      Thank you so much for your message, your prayers and your words of love. It is so amazing to me how in the midst of our darkest days how God’s people really come through. I am so thankful for you, your family and your ministry in Emma’s Footprints. Just know that you have been a huge encouragement to me today.

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