I had to switch it up today, I was got sick and tired of plain old me plain old life. So, I had ice cream for lunch. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough to be exact. I know, bold move right? Yes. That is a purple cone (I was out of pink). I had to do SOMETHING ANYTHING!
Ice cream cones for lunch, I’m sure, is not the answer. But I was just getting bored ya know? I have been me for over 30 years now, something has got to give. I’ve tried dieing my hair, accent nails, new clothes, losing weight…the results are all the same: still me. Granted I do have kind of a new me, I am more peaceful, calm, less stressed out lately. Some of the crazy has diminished. But wait! When the dust settles: still me.
Its not necessarily that I do or don’t like me. Some days I’m not so bad, other days I want to kick my own butt to the moon, for the most part though it all evens out and I’m okay with being me. But I was trained, molded, brain washed for…
Be a perfect Mommy
Be a perfect wife
I am a child of the magazine age and I’ve tried to personify each cover I have ever seen. But I don’t wanna anymore. I want to taste the sweetness of contentment and keep it. Sure, I’ve tried it on for size but I never leave it on for long. My true colors usually get the best of me and I get distracted again by accomplishing.
But lately I have not had the luxury of accomplishing to hide behind and I’ve gotten a bit antsy. Almost naked feeling. “Me?? Just me?? Noooooo!! Must avert my eyes!” Then I wake up the next day and bam…just me again. I’m thinking I am just going to have to get used to this. But is being me enough?
Stripped down to the bone, to the core, just me? Not my clothes, not my degrees, not my looks, not the cleanliness of my home or the politeness of my children. Can I stand up under what makes up me? My heart, my core, my spirit… when my last day comes are those things about me something to be proud of?
Or at least, I’m getting there.
The nakedness of my life has allowed me to peer deeper inside of my motivations and get a “heart” makeover. Its scary and relieving all at the same time. Scary because making over the outside of the cup is surface level, easy. But the inside of the cup is a little grimy, moldy, and takes a little elbow grease to get clean. “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” Matthew 23:26
Some items on my makeover list:
There have been things I have clung to because it was easy and entertaining, got my mind off the stresses of today. So I have to let them go for awhile. Let God rescue me instead of things. Not letting the sun go down without praying and reading God’s Word.
Stress through the years gave me a quick fuse. Its not okay. Peace, grace, patience and mercy take practice.
I have spent far too long whining about day to day responsibilities. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, working wah wah wah. Try as I might hating them with a feverish passion never makes them go away. I’m trying joy on for size.
Being me really has never been enough, but it really should be. I might still eat ice cream for lunch though. But if I ever give myself a mohawk then please, be concerned and call for help.