Doubting Decisions

to play to write

I quit my job and I love it.  I have never felt such peace in my entire life.  But since I have stopped working people keep asking me the same question: “Are you writing another book then?”  A sane, calm, rational person says, “Thanks for asking, but no.  I am taking some time off with hopes of writing again soon.”  But noooooooo.  This brain spirals down into a whirlwind of…

Why?????

Should I be???

If I’m not going to does that mean I suck at life????

I must be wasting my time??  Being lazy even??

Oh no!  Have I gotten lazy??

Great!  Also I think that makes me a failure.

Well, at least I can then write a book about being insecure and lazy AND a failure.

Truth is I want to write another book.  Writing and speaking feels like breathing for me, something I need to do.  That’s why it feels weird that my answer is ‘no.’  But for me, for today, in this season of life I am in right now…I know its not what God has for me.  So whats the deal then?  What of these feelings of failure and inadequacy that keep popping up?

This is what I do know :  When I take my eyes off of what I know God wants for me I get distracted and then I doubt.

God’s ways are not our ways and so they stand up in stark contrast to what we see around us.  To the world, if I’m not achieving than what worth am I?  To the world, if I am not actively succeeding than I am failing.  To the world, if I’m not conforming to whats popular than there must be something wrong with me.  When I fixate my eyes out instead of up it gets me every time.

photo (38)
Psalm 9:10
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek /you.”

This really is not an easy feat.  Standing firm in what you are doing even though you cannot be sure of the outcome takes faith.  That’s just it.  At the end of the day, even on my best days, I have no clue what tomorrow will bring.  All I have to get me through tough decisions, raging insecurities, and all encompassing worry is faith that God has me right where He wants me.

I think about you a lot.  I pray for you and wonder about how amazing it is that somehow God has connected me to you.  I am not sure what (if any) decisions you might be doubting lately but here are some questions that helped me.  In all things, may you know that God has you exactly where He wants you.

Life is full of seasons, some peaceful some rocky.  What is my season right now?  What are some things I like or don’t like about it? 

Do I have peace in my days?

 Am I seeking fulfillment in things, accomplishments, people?

Do I always feel let down if each activity in my day doesn’t meet my (high) expectations?

5 thoughts on “Doubting Decisions

  1. To play… That is the answer right now… Although, I too am having similar doubts… Reading this helped me today – thank you! Miss you!!!

    1. Miss you so much Ginny! But it is awesome to know that we can still help eachother through this life right? Love you and praying for you today. I know exactly how you feel 😉

  2. To My first grand love.. would you PLEASE RELAX with your wonderful hubby and children and enjoy Gods gifts to you. Life is too short to wonder if your doing or not doing things right or wrong. JUST DO, smile and be happy…You will have a lot to write about soon enough. I like the picture of the children watering your feet , now that’s how u do it…luv u very much, Nana

  3. This is so well written. I am in the midst of deciding whether or not to take a part time job, or to continue to focus 100% on my daughter and her special needs/therapies etc. Thanks for the encouragement and Godly reminders!

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