UnFilling the Cracks

I’ve always thought that slowing down just wasn’t my thing.  I threw it on the list of things I can’t do like I can’t ride a moped, I can’t shoot a free throw shot, I can’t do the worm, and I can’t slow down my pace of life.  I was fine with it too.  Accepted it.  Just like I did the first three things on that list (one time, while on vacation with my family, I tried to rent a moped.  After blazing through the parking lot and nearly hitting three people the moped man said to me, “For your safety and the safety of everyone on this island I cannot allow you to rent this moped.” No, not making this up.)

To be honest, I always thought that staying overly busy made me a better person.  I thought if I can do more than obvious I will be more…right?  So I filled them in.  I filled in ALL the cracks in my life.  No breathing room, ever.

So here I am,  two days into unemployment and wondering why it took me so long to stop.  Just stop Maria!  I have told you before that I have a crazy brain (I think we all do in a way) but I think my crazy brain convinced myself of all different kinds of lies.

Lies like If you slow down all the people you say NO to will hate you.

Lies like If you slow down you will probably get fat.  (I mentioned crazy right?)

Lies like If you slow down you will stop and have time to see how little you have done.

Lies like If you slow down you will be bored.

But slowing down is not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  I thought if I slowed down long enough to really reflect on my life, who I am, what I have become, what I do then I would hate what I found.  That it would stir up all my greatest weaknesses.  Such the opposite has occurred.  I have been more patient, kind, caring, loving and at peace than I have been in a long time.

Joy has overflowed into my days in the most unlikely ways.  Yes, my sweet outdoor cleaning session with my children turned into a water fight with the hose on the “power clean” setting.  But I had so much fun laughing and playing with them.  Yes, my son spent half the day with his underwear backwards AND inside out.  But I am watching him learn how to get himself dressed.  No I have not cashed in on any of those yoga classes I purchased.  But I am getting to give personal dolphin rides in the pool on a daily basis.

Here's to not filling in all the cracks!  Ha, sorry I could not resist.  And yes, he will literally kill me one day for this picture.
Here’s to not filling in all the cracks! Ha, sorry I could’t resist. And yes, he will literally kill me one day for this picture.

I just didn’t think I had it in me.  I thought I would always be the little girl in first grade who berated her teacher for only asking the boys to help move chairs.  Or the freshman in college who insisted I would spend who knows how many extra years in school to become a lawyer.  Always having to accomplish more, be more, be better.  Its weird though, me all of sudden feels like enough.  Its a nice place to be.

I am just thankful for God’s patience with me.  Pretty sure He has been trying to have me slow down for a long time.  Its like I see God, my life, my children, my husband so much more clearly.  Even the good things I filled up my time with began fogging my vision of God’s blessings.  There is such beauty in the stillness and when I am still it makes me all the more beautiful too.

The this or that for me was trusting God with my finances, my future, my profession, my worth...to trust Him and take that blind leap of faith.  Why not?  We are but a vapor afterall...
The this or that for me was trusting God with my finances, my future, my profession, my worth…to trust Him and take that blind leap of faith. Why not? We are but a vapor afterall…

One thought on “UnFilling the Cracks

  1. Maria, I have been retired since I moved to Holland, I can say I have been busier than ever. My life takes me in many ways I never thought would be. I still say what if, what if, and what now. But God takes care of that, the what if he answers everyday, and what now, bad or good, he is there to get you through it. I like how you have grown as a women, a daughter, a mother , friend, and a writer. I have always had the fear of trying, due to others always told me I couldn’t or shouldn’t or you would be punished some how. But God dosen.t tell us that if we listen. Yes, maybe I have changed in ways, but the Lord has given me strength in many ways. The lose of a son, a dad, a mom, a man I love and girlfriends, but I know he loves me, the way I am. If we are honest with ourselves, we will be honest to our Lord. Maria I think we will always have questions, but the love you see now thru your children/s eyes, is what I see in all my grandchildren/s eyes, as I once seen my own children’s eyes when they were young. Love you Aunt Barbara

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