These past couple of months have been difficult ones for my family and I. Hard times come and go in life, they are inevitable. But, to me, they are also constant proof that I need God and I need the hope that comes in believing in Him. Hope got me through. Hope got my family through.
As the days went by I saw myself become the mom, wife, minister, friend, daughter that I promised myself I would never become. Short-tempered. Forgetful. Impatient. Too busy to stop. Tired. Depressed. Self-focused. Something had to change. But what?
For the past six years of my life, since my oldest child was born, I have worked from home. I teetered tottered between the “working mom” world and the “stay at home mom” world. For awhile, it was under control and I somehow managed the insanity. So many times I would think, “wow, if people could only see me now!” At one point I am pretty certain I was on a conference call, nursing my baby, and standing in the bathroom with my oldest son after he yelled “I’m donnnneeeeeeee! Can you wipe softly??” True story. It got extra pretty when the stomach flu came to visit. But you get the idea.
By God’s grace alone, somehow it worked.
Then, in December, it stopped working. My brain, my body, and my spirit gave out. In my prayer time and quiet time with God I knew it was time to quit working. That soft whisper in my Spirit that said “it’s time.” Of course, after the decision comes the fear, the what ifs, the “Can we really do this??”
To be honest, I am not really sure “if we can do it.” But, to be more honest, I don’t really care. I’m done with caring about bank accounts, expense, control, and security. No fear of the future is worth sacrificing today.
Change is never easy. Especially big changes, sometimes painful ones. But there are indicators along the way, hints that show us that change might be necessary, helpful, or healthy. My indicators:
1. My usual joyful self was harder to come by. A general feeling of being down became my norm.
2. What was most important to me, the things that I philosophically put at the top of my priority list (being on time to pick my kids up, not missing “muffins for moms,” having date night with my husband, ministering at youth group), those were the things that I was having to bend on in order to keep my head above water.
3. My spiritual and emotional health weakened. All the insecurities of my past came flooding back.
Saying goodbye is hard. Saying goodbye to the life I have lived for the past 6 years can be scary. Even more scary, for me, was the thought of not changing.
Out with the old, in with the new.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life” Matthew 6:25-27