The Freak Out

It happened today.

I walked out to my mailbox, opened it up, and there it was.  I calmly opened the package, took out the first proof of the book, and walked it slowly upstairs to my husband.

“How exciting!” you might say.  Or maybe excitedly ask, “How does it feel to finally hold your book in your hands?!?”

Honestly?  You want my honest answer?  It feels terrifying.

As I opened up the pages and began the final round of proofreading, the first thought that popped in my mind was “Uh no!!  My book stinks!  What was I thinking?!?  I should have never thought I could do something like this, I should have never written all this stuff down!!”  The irony of this all is actually extremely hilarious.  “Author fights feelings of insecurity about her book on…well…insecurity.”  Wow.  If that is not a new definition of “crazy”  I don’t know what is.

Nonetheless, I decided to try and dig deeper into my bought of self pity and self consciousness.  Turns out I needed to remember that this is not about me.  It really never fails that the times I suffer the most through self demeaning thoughts and feelings are always the times I am focusing most of my thinking on myself.  Thank God that He does not want this life to be about us, I repeat thank you Lord!

So back to the book for a second…its for her.  Even if it is just for one.   I know I have said this before and will be repeating this over and over again in my mind I promise you.  This will not be easy for me.  As I read through the first chapters I was boldly reminded how honest and open I was about my past and my struggles.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that someone might actually read it.  Also that someone that I know will read it.  Also that someone might read it, hate it, and throw it back in my face.  Again I repeat…its for her, its for her, its for her, its for her…

(Insert sarcastic and scared tone here for effect) Yay, my book has arrived.  Yay?

2 thoughts on “The Freak Out

  1. Oh, my, oh my, Maria. I feel like a Grandma with her first grandchild. What an amazing accomplishment – the birth of your first book. From your head, to your heart, to your hands, to reality! Congratulations – you can now add another adjective to who you are: child of God, daughter, granddaughter, friend, wife, mother, AUTHOR! Grandpa and I are thrilled and cannot wait to hold your new book in our hands.

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