The Ever Morphing Beast

Just when I think I have killed it off for good, just when I think I have finally slayed insecurity and all its ugliness…it comes back!  Only this time it looks completely different and it takes me awhile to even realize who has returned.

It is so smart, that insecurity.  As a teen, when hormones and peer pressure run high it snuggles comfortably into the form of low body image.  It tweaks your brain and your thoughts to see the worst every time you look in the mirror.  Lord willing, you eventually grow to hate its presence in your life and figure out some way to find peace in the body God gave you.  Whether it be time, maturity, or downright anger that eventually killed it I am not quite sure…but I thought I killed that beast!

Then career and kids came.  Am I good enough?  Can I make it?  Surely I am messing up my children or failing as a professional.  Surely every single decision I make for my kids is the wrong one and I was not cut out for all of this.  Wait a second…I thought you were dead! It was only through pain, mental, and unnecessary torment that I realized insecurity was back.  It just got a makeover and threw on a wig!  How did it know?  It doesn’t matter, I will kill it once more.  This time for good.

NOT!  Whether it be toddlers and pregnancies, relocation and job changes, friendships and family, or death and life insecurity is quick on its feet and it moves in faster and more ferociously than before.  It sneaks into areas of the brain that I did not even know where vulnerable and it whispers “you are not good enough…”  Enough is enough, this time I will be ready.

I hate it.  I don’t use the word often, but I hate insecurity and what it does to us.  I hate that I can look at a woman, a young daughter, a young princess and stand in awe at her beauty, her abilities, and the precious uniqueness that makes her her…but she will not see it.  That’s it.  I am done with it.  I cannot stop it from coming back but I will have a  premeditated battle plan this time.

First of all I won’t hide it anymore, let the flood gates open!  No more hiding and no more pretending, when I struggle I am going to tell someone.  Second, security is mine and I won’t give it away anymore.  No person, situation, or beast is going to pry it out of my hands.  I am created in God’s image and He is quite awesome and no one can take that from me.  Finally, I will let the tears fall, confess my own weakness, and pray for God’s healing each and every time.  No more shame, no more fighting it on my own, or pretending it is not there.  “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.”  Proverbs 31:25.

Insecurity beware.  You have met your match.

3 thoughts on “The Ever Morphing Beast

  1. Just read Psalm 139: 13-14 yesterday.

    “For you formed my inward parts;
    You covered me in my mother’s womb.
    I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    Marvelous are Your works,
    And that my soul knows very well.”

    How applicable to your thoughts today!
    Love and miss you, Friend.

  2. Maria, you are an amazing woman of God! And due to that fact, I myself have become a stronger woman of God, wife and mother due to our friendship! Have a blessed day!

    PS ~ I love the scripture you chose to end this post!

  3. I am so grateful that we have our Heavenly Father to be there for us, no matter what – to comfort us in our insecurity, to guide us to helping hands, to love us unconditionally and to strengthen us to believe in ourselves as daughters of God.

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